post prom nightmares

soooo i pretty much have a horse load of crap of my mind =__=' and what makes it worse is that i have to re-live my terrible prom night memories because of all this prom talk of yesterday!i hated prom,its over rated,and if it WASNT for my bf at the time i WOULDNT have gone.i WISH i wouldn't have gone.how my proms turned out was terrible and i hated them both and i REGRET ever going.needless to say not EVERY persons prom was like mine but hearing all the good things about it make me wish that i never gone and that i never had to experience the things i had to.

however i have better memories than my prom night now :) i have the memories of coming out,of dating my girlfriend,of the new friends i made in gsa AND at the MBLGTACC conference....and maybe even some more friends when i start school at regency :)

im also selling stuff on ebay cause i need some money D: i havent quite figured it out yet and im right now too tired to focus but i'll eventually get it.i have LOTS of stuff :)

getting unstuck

im definately falling behind on things -__-' my bad....LOTS has been going on that i myself cant even keep track of this madness! ITS FLYING OFF THE HANDLE!!!!!i feel sick i feel stressed i feel moody i feel this i feel that....i feel i feel i feel....i feel lost.i feel like im losing my grip on life on reality on my hopes and dreams.i feel like a failure.i feel like a bum.i feel like im never good enough.but i also never want any of this to escape.i never want to tell someone.i never want to just go out and get help from someone.i never want to go do something and worry about the consequences later.i never want to tell someone how i feel because im tired of being shut down.im tired of feeling.im tired of being lost.im tired of being stuck and it NEVER seems like i can get unstuck.it seems like i can move a little bit but not go anywhere.i feel like a hamster on a wheel that just keeps running and running without stopping, unable to stop!i feel like im sinking in quick sand and its just pulling me in deeper and deeper.i cant ever fight this because i cant ever win.

my biggest fear?  coming out to my family as who i am.....who i feel i am....who i'd like to live my life as.....

im transgender.i came out in april as Nikkalous.i havent started treatment or anything but i'd like to.i'd like to have the support and the back up and the protection so i know if i come out as Nikkalous and something backfires you have my back.i have your support.i have your love and care and compassion.you dont have to understand and you dont have to even like it or agree....but even the slightest bit of support without pointing fingers to my girlfriend would be astounding as the first step in this long process.i cant keep turning my back to people and i cant keep turning away from my fears....somethings gotta change and something is gonna give....where i make it give or not.

hope came knocking :)

GAHHHHHHHHHH i have not made a blog in FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!my sincerest apologies :( a lot has come about recently that has prevented me of blogging.

instead of giving you the scoop of that though i have something else to tell you....

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY :) and it totally made my day on sunday when i got the call for the interview.i was going to give up ever finding a job since most places have already rejected me :/ i had the interview at dollar tree for a part time position.its at LEAST a job and i'll take what i can get :)

for any of you that have seen 102 dalmations i was thinking of that once i got my call :) im really hoping for the best <3

time wrap to my past O_o

i went to karaoke :) it was amazing!!!!

onto the REALbusiness....i was on twitter today(im normally not)and i found some PRETTY interesting things....like that i haven't updated a tweet in two months(up until yesterday).i decided to take the time to look upon what i HAVE tweeted in the past.it came to my attention i made the twitter account after 5-6 months of dating one of my ex's to use as a place and way to vent because his family and friends of ours could've seen my facebook and told what i was saying on facebook to him to make my relationship more miserable than it already was.basically meaning that twitter was ONLY used at the time to help me vent about my crappy relationship and it was a place him,his family,or his friends(or my friends that he knew) knew about....which therefore means that they couldnt repeat anything i was saying on twitter to him and he couldnt yell at me or freak out or something....or my friends couldnt freak out on him then have him freak out on me for them freaking out on him....

am i making ANY sense?

if im not im EXTREMELY sorry....im really hyper.

but after reading ALL THOSE TWEETS i kind of wish i would've talked to somebody or gotten help or SOMETHING instead of spending almost 2 years with someone who treated me like sh*t.the majority of them were deleted.i at LEAST saw my relationship heading for disaster at some point(from what i saw in my tweets).i think i was in it for so long was because i was scared or something.it WAS a crappy relationship.it makes me ponder what was going on in my head at the time....because i kept going back to him.i kept getting hurt and treated like crap.the majority of that was repressed until i read those tweets....now it just doesnt leave me alone.

at some point it will....until then....sleep is what needs to be dealt with

300+

sooo yes....today was definately something i could put down in the "weird" book.i'm not exactly sure WHAT happened or what is going on i could just tell you that it was weird....well at least the end part of my day was.see yesterday i went to Oregon, IL with my girlfriend to go to a friends house to work on boxes for our GSA club.Before we actually got ANY work done we went to play basketball at a park nearby.we played H-O-R-S-E which was fun :) we all kind of failed though.ok so AFTER we got done playing horse we went to my friends house to work on the boxes.the boxes were the "help me" box, the "awesome" box, and the "opinion" box.they're supposed to help our club out since drama and what not has been going on.i missed wednesdays meeting(03/09/11) because i was sick and not feeling well and i guess i missed a lot.i was actually QUITE surprised to what i found out on monday.i dont think i should repeat on here because i dont think thats right but i DO know that its all very surprising.it was a weird way to start off spring break.AT LEAST i got better so i could do something over break....im totally jumping everywhere again....GAHHHH sorry just a LOT on my mind.

ok so im going to jump to something last minute.i have a few things left to say before i go.

1)for ANYONE that hasn't heard whats been going on in japan....there was a really really bad massive earthquake.no matter where you are from you should care about this.a LOT of people lost stuff.i heard Sandra Bullock donated $1,000,000 to help people in japan.is that right?bless her heart <3 she's definately some one i look up to as a role model.anyway....i think no matter where you are you should donate something to people in japan.they need the help.

2)random but....i've lived out one of my dreams today.i got a stuffed(aka plush) dinosaur when i was hanging with my friends and girlfriend.i've named him Bentley.

3)there is ALWAYS someone who cares about you.(another random thing but i'll eventually explain if i remember)

4)i've found out that since i've started blogging almost 300 people have been reading my blogs from all over the world <3 THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READS MY BLOGS <3 <3 <3 <3 you have no idea how much it means to me :)

5)i want EVERYONE who reads my blogs to do me a HUGE HUGE HUGE favor <3
please "like" my page on facebook(if you have a facebook)

page link---------> http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Savvys-blog-channel/127416620662560

and/or write me an email telling me your thoughts,opinions,what you would like me to talk about,etc.
email---------> savvyperrin928@yahoo.com

please and thank you :)

bye guys <3

bullsh*t cookies O_o

ok soooooo....i KNOW i havent posted a blog in a long while.i apologize O_o i've been EXTREMELY busy....which surprises me cause i didn't think i'd be as busy as i have been.since the trip a LOT has been going on.i lost a "friend" recently.its nothing im upset about but the reasoning behind it is DEFINATELY stupid as hell.i wont get into it but once again....im not upset.its no skin off my nose.and i dont doubt that it makes me sound like some sort of bitch or something but its not the first time this has happened.will this "friend" keep their word on not wanting to speak with me again?no idea.but im free of this persons drama and bullshit and im quite happy with this.sorry if i sound like a bitch but im not going to sugar coat this.drama seeking people wo CONSTANTLY use the "im going to kill myself" card because shit in their life is not going their way is STUPID and RIDICULOUS and SOMETHING YOU DO NOT KEEP SAYING NOR DO YOU EVEN SAY IN A JOKING MANNER!!!!!you REALLY think no one cares?you really think ending your life is going to solve ANYTHING?!well guess what?it doesnt.its a selfish act that hurts everyone who loves and cares about you.there is always SOMEONE who cares about you.i dont like it when people joke around about it.

ok so happier notes :)

i have a girlfriend <3 i am VERY happy about this and i loves her a lot!i've been staying the night at her house a lot recently hence the not many blogs being posted.sorry :) gosh i wish i could put into words my feelings for her.it might make me sound weird but i've liked her liked her for awhile but i was always so scared to tell her because i didnt wanna look weird or get shot down or something.i could talk about her all day if i really wanted to....that makes me sound weird though.im such a freak :o we've been dating for a little over a week though and i can say im happy.she makes me forget all the bad stuff that i've been through in the past and she cares.she really really cares.she makes me cry tears of happiness and she's just all around the most amazing girl ever <3 sorry babe but i have to cut this one short or its gonna be a longer blog than it needs to be :) love you!

ok soo i was sick.getting better though!it started monday and progressively got worse.it went from just my stomach hurting me to EVERYTHING hurting and some other things that i wont go into great detail on.it was NOT pleasant and as i think of it i probably could've writting a blog during the time i wasnt sleeping....oops!my bad....sorry....i probably should think more on these things....then again i WAS sick and my head WAS clouded./grrr face.

....i covered the girlie,being sick,being busy....OH i almost forgot a couple things!
1)panic at the disco(if ANYONE listens to them)they will be having a new c.d. coming out(not sure when).im SOOOOO freaking estatic about this!!!!I WANT IT SOOO BAD <3

2)my cousin has a shirt selling business.i probably should've mentioned this awhile back but it's slipped my mind.i will post the link of the store site online.he has really good shirts at really cheap prices :) i encourage all to go check it out!

ok so on THAT note....imma go make cookies now <3 bye!

MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN....the recap!!!!

sooo as most of you know i went to a LGTBQQ connfrence that was held in Ann Arbor, Michigan.IT WAS AMAZING <3 it makes you want to be proud of being yourself!and no it was not all LGTBQQ people.they did have straight people there and god bless those straight allies for attending and for their love and support :) to anyone who is reading/reads my blog thank you for your support!it means a lot that people read this!

ok so about the confrence....
it was a LTBGQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was actually called MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN to be precise.it was not simply just called the LGTBQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor.

MBLGTACC stands for: 
Midwest
Bi-sexual
Lesbian
Gay
Trans
Ally
College
Conference

it was held at the University of Michigan. Thank you University of Michigan for lending over the campus for an amazing weekend for LGTBQQA students. God i dont think ANYONE knows how much of a blast i had! I WANNA COME BACK <3 but the next one can only be better :) gosh im SOOOO excited for it! Ok im kind of off topic at the moment so lets go back ON topic. The trip was amazing and definately worth the long cramped car ride there and back. I felt sooo happy and accepted! When we got to Ann Arbor after FINALLY getting ourselves back on track, we dropped our stuff off at the Inn we stayed at. The Inn was REALLY nice. We stayed in a suite. It was all girls in one room, all boys in another room, and our advisor in her own room. I definately reccomend the Residents Inn for anyone who is traveling and staying over night in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first day, after we dropped off our stuff, we heading to Michigan Union. Michigan Union is the main building of University of Michigan and it held most of the events for the weekend. We went there and got ourselves registered and what not. Once we did that we walked around and got some thing to eat. The food at the place we ate at was CRAZY expensive....but good. THEY HAD A GRAPE CHANDILIER!!!! It was amazing! Once we ate we dropped our stuff off at the van then headed to a club that was around the corner for a rave. THAT was also amazing. Even if it was too dark for me to see a thing! lol i danced with my friends from club and i held onto a rail that marked off the dance floor since i couldnt see. I didnt want to dance and end up in the middle of the floor or something away from everyone then not be able to see my way back. we were there til like 1 am or a little after. most of us fell asleep once we got to the hotel which was close to 2 am if it wasnt 2 am. We tried discussing our agenda for that day(since it was past 12 am it was saturday). I followed jordy around since her and i have similar interest. we went to a workshop that revolved around stereotypes which was pretty interesting. they also talked a lot about icons. like gay icons. i liked the u-haul thing.i've never heard of it but i guess on the 2nd date a lesbian brings a u-haul to the date and they move in or something along those lines.lol im not entirely sure.i kept getting drowsy. Then we went to a gender queer one and that was AMAZING! Then we went to a hospitality room. i think i have those three in the wrong order....i think we went to the hospitality room first before the workshops....ANYWAY....we met the coolest people ever!the people there were so nice!there was a guy named Jay and he showed us a gender queer bathroom. MOST EPIC THING EVER! and he was soooo excited to show us! lol we tried getting a large group of people to play duck duck goose with us but it failed so we sat there and chilled and talked. then we WERE supposed to go to a vegitarian resturant with the club as a group but instead it failed and people went their own ways....as in our advisor and a couple other members were at the resturant and some of us were in other places. jordy, meg, jonnie, john, and i all ate in the basement of the Michigan Union building....IT WAS LIKE  A MALL FOOD COURT <3 it was another amazing thing on the trip. well jordy and meg and i took a bus to and from Michigan Union to drop off our stuff and head back....we had to RUN to go catch the bus before it left without us lol. Meg caught it for us and they had it wait a few mins for me to get on then we headed back to Michigan Building for the dance. We also watched a drag show and a fashion show. Jordy, Meg , Jay, Max, Troy, and I all played ninja too! lol it was amazing! THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER WON! the dance was great! Then the next morning my leg was hurting bad and it was sunday and it was the day we were leaving :( soo i had problems walking AND i was sad that we had to leave. Jordy and i got some breakfast at the Michigan Union building.i had a very unhealthy frozen yogurt and some juice and a really icky cappiccino.ickkkkkkkkk but instead of meeting up with everyone again, jordy helped me to the hill auditorium since my leg was hurting and it would've taken us longer to get to the auditorium if we would've waited. The ending ceremony was great! it made me sadder that we had to leave after that though. When we were driving home it was pretty quiet. most of us slept then others were up doing whatever they felt like. meg lost the gas cap for the van(we found this out when we were filling up for gas almost home). it was pretty funny lol. before that(sorry for jumping around) we went to a japanese market for dinner :) it was yummy! then we went home.

i seriously cant wait for the next one :)

click click BOOM!!!!

at this time i currently feel very lost.im not too sure what i want or what im going to do about this but its not a good thing at all....errrr sooo it seems at least.that LGTBQQ trip thats in Ann Arbor, Michigan is almost tomorrow.by that i mean its 1 hour and 30 mins short of being a day away.its kind of scary.i mean i AM excited since the last time i did travel with friends WAS for band in the 8th grade but that was also for a performance i was REALLY looking forward to.this is just a convention and im still not entirely sure what to expect from it.GAHHHH IM THINKING SO PESSIMISTICALLY!!!!WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!maybe its my nervousness talking?and everyone's like "dont be afraid.its gonna be ok!"....its like i wish i knew HOW to control how i feel right now instead of being all over the place.i decided it would be best to take the morning off from my classes tomorrow though so i can pack and get ready and what nots.its not like it'll take long im sure but i am an insomniac so i dont get much sleep(especially during times like this when i have more than mountains of stress about things) sooo i DO have to try to sleep and get as much of it as possible for friday so i get up and THEN i have to figure out if i am staying the night at johns house the day before the trip.im actually debating.if i go then i can/might have a freak out moment,jordy wouldnt have to come get me,and everyone would see how funny i sleep.if i dont jordy will be coming to get me and i can/might have a freak out moment.ohhh the FUN of anxiety.

oh well.onto better things!like how today i went out shopping with meg and jonnie and jonnie bought me a little green skirt :) i LOVE it(thank you jonnie) and i got to help me at salvation army.we hung out with Cayli and Alanna for a bit too until they had to leave.it was fun!hopefully things dont go down the drain this week :/ i think i should just get my kingdom hearts 2 game going as i do my laundry and wait for jordy to get on.ttyl!

think clever....

so my panic mode is down....as of now.the trip for michigan is STILL ON for this weekend.im nervous and excited at the same time.nervous because there is supposed to be a lot of people going to this thing and that makes me a little uncomfortable.excited because i get to leave and live a little.sounds pathetic i know but its true.sooo im also sorry i havent updated recently.i didnt get home til sunday night.i was gone friday-sunday night and i didnt have my laptop(i will on the trip for updates).im not sure if i mentioned this in my last blog but on friday i went to my friend johns house/apartment thing.i went for a group function thing for gsa even though it wasnt official.it was more of a hang out/social thing.it wasnt through the school.it was ok though.it got boring from time to time and it started getting really uncomfortable so im just going to go with ok.when that ended though i went over to my friend jonnies house and meg tagged along with us.we sat in the basement and talked for awhile then meg left when she was tired and i stayed the night.then later that day jonnie's dad took us out to lunch.pats diner is amazing and yummy <3.i LOVE their hamburgers.after that we went back to jonnies to get somethings then my house then went to megs house for another sleepover.that was AMAZING!!!!!though i think i annoy the crap out of her and i feel like im always in her personal  bubble....yet she says she doesnt have a personal bubble and doesnt care.i tend to disagree but maybe its just me.it probably is me but oh well.i'll eventually snap out of it.i dont want to say i think shes lying but i think shes hiding something.once again it MIGHT just be me.another meeting tomorrow and class and....the trip is this weekend.i gotta find my suitcase and do laundry and pack and what not.i hope this week comes and goes....AND I HOPE ITS WARM!!!!!!

rofl copter

my 31st blog :) that 50 is creepin up on me for sure.sooo im really really sorry i havent kept updated in awhile.ive been in crisis mode since last blog :x why?today is a rec night for gsa(rec night is basically game night) and im FREAKING OUT(again) about going.im not sure why they scare me so much but sadly they do.im in more of a freak out mode because i filled my gas tank on sat and im already low and the only place i drive to and from is school mon-thurs.its like wtf?!granted on thursdays i drive there and back because of how long my break is but still.im kinda freaking out because im supposed to go to this and cronies tonight but gas is my mortal enemy(as of lately at least) and it doesnt help that gas prices are being raised.at least i have meg today!but im going to have to tell my dad(again) that my car is low on gas.fml.he's not going to be a happy man once he hears this.then again gas prices are through the roof and im not getting as much as i have for gas.ehhhhh life succkkkkssss....as of now at least.at least week i will be in michigan fri-sun and so school and driving wont be too much of a concern.i hope things go good today at least!

:o] friends and family

wow mk i have SOOOO much to tell :) that dance i went to on saturday was by FAR the most amazing gsa event i've EVER attended!!!!!megan is HILARIOUS when she has alcohol in her system.its ok she's got her friends and family close to her x) lol i met some really awesome and amazing people and megan being there was even better!every one was hilarious and i was basically myself for the first time in a very long time :) it felt really nice to come out of my shell with people i hardly know(other than megan).gahh i want to do more events like that with them :) i feel bad i didnt sell the bracelets but i was really nervous and didnt know what to expect so i figured i wouldnt bother.i will sell them again or we can bring them to the gsa convention thats almost a week away and sell them there.it might work ya never know.

meg took lots of photos and hearing her "drunk" was pretty damn funny.we went to a gay bar and as we were leaving i reminded her to get her purse and check to make sure she had everything then i had her do a soberiety test lol she missed her nose the first time and it was hilarious!OH OH OH i saw her turn red!!!!!it was adorable!and we played the dating game with everyone who was at the dance before hand which was also hilarious!i cant remember the question but there was a question and someone's answer was "kill the bitch".lmao best thing ever!!and family and friends lol that was amazing too.that whole night in general was just amazing <3 im soooo happy i went!im glad meg went im glad i met a bunch of people and im VERY glad i had a blast!i want to be apart of spectrum a lot more now!but im gonna need the money for that!

i also mentioned to megs that i felt like a weirdo since i know her well.lol i feel like a creep.she's just been really open though and im really glad i can actually be myself around her and tell her things :)ehh maybe i am crazy.i really really really loved the comment that a lady mentioned last night too.meg was messing around with a stress ball in the shape of a heart and then i wanted to try and when i gave up i gave it back to her and the lady next to meg was like "awwww you gave her your heart" and i was like "well she had it first....errr i mean the stress ball thing first".lol it makes me question things now XD or maybe im thinking too much.i changed my facebook profile(not blog page but personal page) to a picture i absolutely LOVE of meg and i.i give jordy credit.she might be right but im also not that sure i wanna know.ehh only time shall tell :)

wish me luck :X

ughh so week has been eventful in a bad way :/ lots of snow.my car getting stuck.a dance and a gsa gathering.a french test and a math test and a paper due in english.lol its a lot but i think the ONLY good day so far has been my thursday with jordy.that girl can really make me laugh.friday was great to the most part except when it turned 4.it all just seem to fall apart for me then.why? because we had a gsa event i wasnt very thrilled for or prepared for.my fear of people got in the way big time.ughh it was terrible.i was too afraid to speak or be around anyone AND on the way there with jordy meg jonnie and alexa i just bawling uncontrollably.i felt TERRIBLE that i was just bawling even if it was for an understandable reason.im glad jordy meg alexa and jonnie were at least concerened and trying to make me feel better.it was hard to do aynything yesterday honestly.i still feel bad that i bawled.i know i had a reason but still.i wish it never happened.well i get to go to a dance today which i am excited for but nervous at the same time.im more nervous and afraid than actually excited.i never met any of them but meg says they're good people and i have no reason to doubt her word.im supposed to go to sell bracelets for club.i havent figured out how im gonna go sell bracelets and not freak out.i kinda wanna have fun but idk if id get comfortable enough to do that.im kinda wondering if i can just return them and say i wasnt comfortable selling them which i kinda am not comfortable doing so.selling the bracelets tonight that is.ehhh maybe i should talk to jordy about it.im really just hoping that things will be ok tonight.thats all im really asking for.it doesnt have to be big and fancy or anything i just want a nice night.plus if i sell remaining bracelets what do i do with the tub and any money i have from sales?ughhh....maybe i can hand them to meg on monday or something and she can sell them at spectrum.she knows them there so she might be better at it lol

genie in a bottle....

sooo i wrote a blog earlier this morning that took me 3 hours to write.im not sure if im gonna post it or not since its really really long.i might end up doing it this weekend if i have the time.its random and its just all the things currently on my mind.

whats on savvy's mind as of now:
-v-day(strange)
-paper
-band
-my thing with jordy
-getting bracelets
-the team buidling thing
-the lgtb conference
-school
-dance
-my nieces 5th birthday
-my friends 19th birthday
-the vagina monologue meeting


is that it?it doesnt feel like it....oh i know!how bout the fact i ACTUALLY just opened up to someone and i almost cried?!most amazing thing ever.it feels like a bunch of weight is off my shoulders!will i open up more?maybe.i think im starting to.im wishing for a LOT right now.i'd love to trade for a few months or something so i wasnt wishing for anything.or at LEAST have some courage :/ gahhhh life just sucks.maybe its just the month that sucks.idk anymore :p

plan b....crude humor NOT suggested....personal problems are involved

GAAAHHHHHHHHH ADSKJFAJFKLAHEDSNF JAKLDXH FASKJLHGDFKJLAJ FUDKJAOKJLHFDIOKLJAGFIOAK;LDSHFNADFHIJOADKLJFAH; <--------word vomit.ok ok ok ok i really just need to BREATHE!!!!!-takes deep deep breaths- yeah not working....plan b) freak out til its gone.PLAN B IS A GO!I REPEAT PLAN B IS A GO!!!!gahhh ok so im freaking out BECAUSE on friday(yes THIS friday) is a team building event for the gsa club im in.it is this friday february 11th at 5 pm.why am i freaking out?to most of you this sounds like nothing.it sounds just like a regular get-together with some people from a club to work on team building.it is a get together and it is for team building BUT im freaked out because of a fear i have.well technically two will be coming into play on friday.fear 1 is my EXTREME fear of people.i have this fear for personal personal reasons that might get hard to understand.if i grew up with you or have known you for awhile you dont classify under my fear.the rest of you sorry to say im basically piss my pants afraid of you.fear number 2 is the fear of eating in front of people.thats  a stranger fear i know but i have it.i have it just based on growing up and having people watch me eat and just staring at me eat whether it was a lot or a little and the same people making sassy remarks about my eating.i never liked it and i quit trying to do something about it because it only helped the situation get worse.i basically got to the point where i was done trying and just said fuck it.it got to the point where i went to school and ate nothing or i ate very little of my meals.there were days i do admit where i "pigged out" at lunch because i was STARVING then i would kinda look in the mirror and ask why i did it.its all over now but it was back then.but what people used to do to me is the reason why i eat in bathrooms,or eat in my bedroom,or am hesitant about how much food im getting at a place when im the one ordering.people you'd really be surprised what words can do to a person.words do and can hurt, they CAN leave scars, and they CAN cause someone who once thought they were beautiful to look at themselves everyday and just feel hideous.i mean ive lost 30 lbs and i still feel like the ugliest thing thats ever roamed the earth because of what people did to me.i realise that once this blog gets out im prolly gonna be answering a lot of questions from people but like i said its all in the past.i dont have the highest self esteem about myself and i really do thing im ugly but eventually it will all change in time....i will be happy and normal i guess.

btw i  AM GOING to this gsa event friday(obviously) but i wasnt sure if i stated in an earlier blog if i was or wasnt going.im not all the happy/stoked about it but im going and if anything i'll sit back and watch.i cant promise to participate.

and as for the trip thats in almost 2 weeks....nerves still arent thrilled about that one either.

my heart and brain are so torn....that my realistic dreams have become nightmares

so much on my mind its basically killing me.its just insane!!!!have you ever been sleep deprived because there was so much on your mind that you thought your head was going to explode?!yeah thats currently my case.on a school night(for two reasons) i pulled an all nighter.i stayed up did/finished my gift wrapping for my friends birthday vented to the same friend about crap going on and about somethings i've been holding in for a long time.i opened up though.it makes me feel accomplished in a way because its a start to something.hopefuly its the start to something good.i can only hope :) as for what i talked about?im not sharing that....at least not yet.its just too personal.my friend stephanie has been on my mind all day.im so sad that shes gone but i also understand her reasoning as to why she's leaving.things will get better for everyone and she'll find a good guy to settle down with.maybe not right now but in time at least.as i said before im sleep deprived so im going to be extremely random.last night when i found out stephanie was leaving i was heart broken and i said my goodbyes to her at my other friend sara's house.she's my best friend and im not going to let her drop off the face of the earth again.oh oh oh oh oh!!!!today is my friend jordy's birthday.she wishes to skip her birthday though.im kinda hoping that she likes what i have to give her for her birthday.if she doesnt its ok.im also afraid that her and i are gonna have to deal with a  lot of crap today.if thats how its gonna be it makes me nervous and what not.i really dont need any crap.i got birthdays and school to worry about PLUS getting over the fact my best friend has just left.errr one of my best friends at least.its not like she's dead or anything but she's in another state so i wont get to see her when i wanna or anything.she wont be able to come to my house to swim.and all that other stuff.i know shes strong though and she'll do ok down there.i know she'll make it and hopefully be ok since shes a clutz.im also hoping my tear ducts are all dried up.i've been crying a lot since i left saras house.its all just rawrrr....no one seems to be having a good week this week :( im worried more that this whole month will make things fall apart for me.like life wise february has to  be the most busiest month for me to endure.just soo much goes on especially this year since im going on that trip with my GSA club.that trip still makes me a little uneasy but i think i'll live....or manage....one of the two lol.while on the topic of GSA my mom told me that her and i were invited to a valentines day dance this saturday at LGTB spectrum of rockford.it makes me excited.they asked me to sell bracelets for club during the dance which works on my behalf since i more than likely wont have a date to escort or vise versa.ehh just screw valentines day in general lol.im not personally a big fan of the holiday.i never have been and people act as if its a crazy thing or something.a lot of people gasp when i tell them valentines day can drop off the face of the earth.its my opinion honestly and i have nothing against people who like or celebrate the holiday.i just want no part in it.omg btw my niece is turning 5 YEARS OLD this weekend!!!!!OMG SHES GETTING SOOOOO FREAKING BIG <3 shes still going to be my turtle :) hopefully when she turns 5 everything slows down a bit.i want and dont want a fast year this year.i dont want it to go fast because i want to take all the time in the world discovering myself and breaking down my barriers.i want it to go fast because if any drama or fight or anything else thats just not worth the energy in my book it can ALL just whip past my face in the blink of an eye and i can forgive,forget,and move on.mixed feelings are just a wonderful thing.ughhh i wish.and lately thats all ive been having are mixed feelings and mainly about myself.i hate questioning myself and my life and what i do and i do it ALL THE TIME....its like a never ending cycle of changing.i think i personally do it to please people.i also think that growing up and being put throw all the crap i've gone through i've never really tried finding myself.im not sure but its about time i start letting some of my trapped self out of the cage and become more free....yet at the same time it all sounds so unrealistic....oh my heart....and oh my brain....both of you stop being so torn and work together.im tired of being lost and confused with no light at the end of the tunnel.its really about time something changed <3

wheres the fast forward button?

wow.a lot to swallow right now.everything seems to be so hard....and complicated.are people making things harder than they need to be?or are they getting curve balls thrown at them they cant dodge?its all just something id much rather miss.something that makes me wish i was younger and there werent any problems.when i wasnt able to understand just about everything that was going on whether i was told or not.i dont really want things easy.maybe just more simpler....or stress free?i wish for all sorts of things.i feel crazy.i feel crazier that i dont wish anything for myself.i dont like being selfish or mean.i know i can sound selfish and i can be mean but i dont like it.i dont like the fighting,the argueing,the back stabbing, the name calling,....i dont like any of it.i dont like losing people very close to me either :( i found out today that one of my best friends i've known since 5th grade....is leaving.i understand her reasons why and no matter what she's gonna always be like a sister to me and im always gonna love her.i wish she didnt have to go through what shes going through.she doesnt deserve it.she needs to be happy.THATS what she deserves.she deserves the absolute best and so does my other sister i've known since 3rd grade.they both mean the world to me and to watch either of them leave me and to see them both hurting makes me so sad :( i know im gonna keep them in my life as best i can.now and forever they shall be my unbiological sisters <3 i shall always love them and i shall always be there for them.i wish i was able to not let anything hurt them but i've failed at that.soo much going on....its all just swarming my head and i feel like im drowning.i sound pathetic but im upset.im upset and lost and just not sure what to do anymore.

stephanie hamlin and sara fletcher this blog is dedicated to you both.
i love you girls <3 thank you for everything.im always gonna be here for you both.

sleep overs and busy bees

gahhhhh that sleepover was AMAZING!lol it has to be the best one i've EVER had!truth or dare while we're half asleep,doing make up,doing hair, etc.it all was just amazing!oh wii bowling and doing excersises?!lol just epic in general!meg and jordan i cant thank enough for being apart of it :) and i cant thank luke enough for coming over lol.then last night we all went to karaoke!it all was so fun.btw meg if you ever read this lol THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC <3 its amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and jordy i love waking up to THE GAME every morning lol.oh oh oh whats also great is i only had school on monday this week :) the rest of my school week(tues-thurs) was cancelled.gahh im just really really really happy right now :) february is gonna be a busy busy month.lets see remaining events?

feb 7th-jordys birthday,gsa meeting from 2-4 pm.
feb7th-10th-class
feb 11th-sara's birthday
feb 12th-my nieces birthday
feb 13th-vagina monologues meeting.
feb 14th-valentines day(gross)
feb 14th-17th-class
feb 21st-24th-class
feb 24th-pack for LGTB trip
feb 25th-27th-LGTB confrence
feb 25th- we leave for the LGTB trip
feb 27th-we come back lol

soooo busy xD lol ohh wells.it all is worth it in the end(so i hope at least)

the sleep over!!!!

sooo its past midnight and i, of course, have things on my mind. my friends and i wanted a sleep over then things went all hay wire.but things are better but the sleep over is now at my place.we will be having one person who isnt staying the night because its a school night though.oh well the more the merrier.as of now though jordy is the only one with permission to be at my house.im sure my parents wont care at all if have a friend come hang and another friend stay the night.now the other person whos staying the night i've mentioned in a previous blog.the one really amazing gal?yeah well maybe my mind is becoming over stimulated about this but im really really worried that my dad specifically wont let her stay the night because she's trans.then again they know im going to that LGTB confrence this month and know imma room with her so i dont see why its a problem.ehhh like i said i could be over thinking things.i just worry that the people i know wont accept her and i really dont see why :( she's just amazing.so what if she is trans?she's as much of a girl as i am.it doesnt bother me at all to those who think it should.like really she's amazing and funny and a really really great person once you know her.as for the other kid who's just coming over to hang im sure its fine if he hangs.hopefully the roads are better :/ i hope things dont go down the drain today either.i would like just one good day.lately they've all been crappy.

oh oh oh i also think i have a date saturday.im not sure if its an official date or not though.im still excited none the less :) about today friday and saturday.im just trying to stay as optimistic as possible.im happy things got worked out between me and some people today and all the things that we fought about are gone.gahhh just excited and nervous.butterflies are in my stomach :) the good kind at least.i know i gotta clean my room and kitchen before people come over though.that doesnt bother me.lets hope daddy says yes :)

people are really starting to not surprise me

ok let me start by saying this.my blog site is for venting and getting things off my chest.im not full of myself, im not a bitch, and i realize there are more important things in the world.im not selfish.im sick of people judging me without getting to know me.im a person i have feelings and you certainly dont get yourself or comment on something you know nothing about.its not any ones place.if im mad im mad.theres this thing in life called respect.learn it live it love it.to people who read my blogs and ARENT close friends or relatives you have no idea what shit i go through on a day to day basis.i hardly ever open my mouth when i have a problem because i feel selfish.i know that there are people dying of starvation and people living on the streets.I GET THAT PEOPLE HAVE WORSE OFF THAN ME!!!!really im not that stupid to not see it.i help people on a day to day basis.you dont have to respect my views or how i act or who i hang out with but its not going to change for anyone who doesnt like it.i dont take crap from anyone and thats the fucking truth.i hold in a lot and most people wouldnt even guess that i do.im not a fake im real and tell it how it fucking is.believe me or not im a lot smarter than i come off to be.go ahead and judge me because you obviously dont know me.if you did know me you'd know that i really dont give a damn if im judged or hated.haters gonna hate.either way the point is nothing is going to change.im not going to purposely change what i write in my blogs because people dont like it.its life.you dont like half the things life throughs at you.im also no pathetic cry baby.i dont want any ones sympathy or help.im strong enough to handle it on my own.but think what you want but nothing is changing and you dont have to like my blogs.dont like them?dont read them.theres a smart solution.thanks for your time.

:o] <---- face of epic cuteness!

soooo yesterday was a total rollercoaster.like both good and bad.the bad is the trip that some kids in the GSA group are going on.that was just chaos in a way.at least my dog got to see the campus i go to when im not with him.i would take him to cronies and other places i go to when im not at his side but it didnt feel neccissary since im mostly at school with my friends.but i waiting in my car for jordy to arrive and when she DID finally arrive we like rushed in there and nothing felt organized at ALL.it was like for real?fucking a this is ridiculous.then of course i got fed up and snapped(kinda).what's weird to me is i actually dont feel bad for snapping.i guess i just finally hit my breaking point with the stupid crap.ehh oh well.i know later today i have lunch with people for the vagina monologues....if i got a part or something.i  have no idea when im gonna hear from them but im so nervous!at least i can do whatever i want :) but after the thing at school i went home and got ready for karaoke.it was with my non-biological sisters breanna and sara and then jordy and her girlfriend alexa joined us along with meg.since i was used to breanna and sara being there and singing in front of them i got extremely nervous to sing in front of jordy,alexa,and meg.i dont think they'd care but i fear of looking like a fool or something.i'm prolly gonna gather some courage and sing next friday whether they come or not.my grandma said she wanted to come sometime too.i have to remember that lol.i got swarmed by my dog and my sisters dog though when i got home.they are now the things keeping my feet warm <3 lol

posture....snow....wendy's....band....that works :)

my friend jordy and i have a thing now.every thursday we are going to wendy's, getting chicken sandwiches, a frosty, and maybe fries, and sitting in the schoolk atrium just talking and om nom noming on our food.its pretty amazing!we have a thing lmao.that sounds dirty xp.OOOHHHHH WELLLL <3 no longer can i have a bad day on thursdays.jordy is just to freaking epic when she's around to not be in a terrible mood. Like today i drove our butts to wendys for food and i got a parking spot RIGHT ACROSS the pec center!THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER BEEN!!!!and then what i did is i stood in a spot that was across from mine so she can move her car lmao.is that even legal?!oh well.i did it and it was funny and dorky.the only thing i could think of was for her to get her "bitch ass" over to the spot quicker so someone didnt try to kill me for the spot. oh oh oh and earlier today IT WAS SNOWING....and not just like regular snow it was like the really mad snow that comes down really fast and really hard and covers everything in like a split second.it was COLD and something that i didnt need while i walked my tired butt from class to class to car.it wasnt fun but i did it and almost wrecked like 4 times on the way home and the last time i turned i slid down my street to basically my driveway.it was the most fun yet scariest thing i've encountered all day.i porbably wont be doing it again though.changing the suject again tomorrow night is karaoke!thank the lord i've been SOOOO EXCITED to go!i've also been excited for band as well....i get so excited when it comes to anything music related.is that sad????or even bad????like i get all bubbly and excited and really really eager and impatient.almost like a little kid on christmas waiting at 6 am to open presents.now i feel like such a total weirdo.i've come across this bad habit by the way that i get whenever im in band class.i have to sit straight up and on the edge of my chair.i HAVE to.i can't even tell you how many times i've "fixed" it and gone back to it again.it's just weird!maybe its because im getting ready for the posure for band which is why i do it.i've been such a chatty cathy lately too.im not sure why but i totally am....or feel like one.its now going on 6:15 pm.class starts at 6:45 pm.i think maybe i should close this up post to facebook and go get my seat!

btw....i can't wait for the week long thing to end lol i want my last name back </3

vagina monologues and the fear of nice people XD

its been soo long since i last wrote a blog!so much has been happening!soo next month in february my school's GSA club will be going on a confrence to Ann Arbor, michigan for a LGTB conference!im very excited to go!and we FINALLY got enough money for my friend to go!I ALMOST CRIED WHEN I FOUND OUT <3 !!!!!i would be really freaked out if she couldn't go.i'd still go but i'd rather have her come.i'm still kind of nervous about the trip though.its my first *LGTB conference.its nothing like it would be for band for sure.i'm scared i might not like it or something will happen or something!i dont like to think so pessimistically but its the only way im thinking lol.

ok soo last thursday my friend jordy and i went to wendy's for dinner or snack or whatever you call it.it was in the evening and we got it so we werent hungry during class.we met this lady and she comes up and asks us if we want to participate in something called the "vagina monologues". we had to ask her about 5 times before we were sure she was saying vagina. probably the most random and epic thing ever!we talked about the "vagina monologues" and signed up for audition times. today i had my audition :) i think i got a part.if i didnt i'm more than happy to help!they basically had me read lines to make sure i was ok talking about vagina's and saying the word cunt.lol it was one of those things i couldn't help but laugh at when it was over because it was just so random!and i talked with a friend today.an old friend who i always fought with.i want to try patching things up with him at least.it's the least i can try to do.oh oh oh....I HAVE BAND TOMORROW NIGHT <3 <3 <3 <3 i cant wait!!!!its that one class i can't wait to come around!even if it is 2 & 1/2 hours long or around there.its amazing and fun and i wouldn't trade it for the world <3.

ok so im totally changing the topic.soo last semester(fall semester 2010.which is also my first college semester) i met all these cool people in *GSA.There's this one girl that im a lot alike.we kinda hardly talk but she's soo cool.and then there's this other girl right?and like (this prolly will sound sooooooo incredibly lame) but she was one of those people that stood out to me a lot.yeah that sounds extremely corny hahaha....like then everyone we met in club added one another and she was one of the first people in club to actually talk  to me!she's talked to me awhile after that.she's pretty pretty amazing!like she can get me to blush cherry red and makes me smile lots and she makes me lose the game....thats important since she always "wins".she's like really really goofy and has add problems.and like the other night it occured to me that i talk to her a LOT and i get to know all these fabulous things about her....but i've been in my shell this entire time and i'm still afraid of her and she's sooo nice!HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF A NICE PERSON?!....im not sure but im afraid lol.im not as afraid of her as i was before but im still afraid.anyway as i was saying....i talk to her a LOT and i get to know a lot about her....then out of the blue it hits me that she prolly knows nothing about me!lol besides the other girl i mentioned she's the one i talk to about every day!and i've been talking to her since sometime last fall semester....sooo im totally worried about letting my guard down but yet i want to.its the least i can do since she's been nothing but nice and goofy and fabulous to me.i'm sure i can trust her.i see no reason not to.

so to a new beginning....i shall shed my walls :)
man i sound corny tonight lol

*GSA=Gay Straight Alliance
*LGTB=Lesbian Gay Transgender Bisexual

buddhism & karma

im taking the time today before i go to karaoke with some friends to look into the religion of buddhism.from what i've read it's things i've believed in since i was young.such as karma and reincarnation. i learned more about reincarnation, what is good and bad karma, and what is wanted and not wanted in the religion.this religion makes me happy in so many ways.i want to convert but so nervous at the same time because i have much to learn if i do convert.i would really like to convert though.if its something i've always believed in from a young age then i dont see why i dont just convert. i hope only that if i convert i follow the religion well.its much more of a spiritual journey than it is physical.it doesnt seem like buddhist judge people at all.but i can also be wrong.only time can tell.i will look more into it and if anyone has any information about it please respond.

where i got my info:
http://www.pbs.org/edens/thailand/buddhism.htm

I LOST THE GAME....take that sir hehe

i would like to know who invented this thing called "the game".i've been playing it for countless years and this is the first time EVER i have lost this much!COME ON!!!!Yesterday i lost about 10 times!I mean REALLY?!?!And its more or less John's fault for introducing meg to it....now she's making me lose because she likes my reaction.Gahhhh!!!!WHY WAS THIS CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!Or a better question would be WHO WAS BORED ENOUGH TO CREATE THIS DUMB GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?And no im not angry.Just plotting my revenge.I think i might get back at them during my trip next month.I can't WAIT to go!A whole weekend for a LGTB convention.I'm greatly excited and nervous at the same time.Excited because its my first LGTB convention!Who WOULDN'T be excited for something like this?!However, I'm nervous that i might not like it.I'm also worried its not going to be what i expected it to be....but at the same time im not even sure what to expect....so i guess i can't be disappointed with something im not sure of what to expect?

ehh...ANYWAY....i dont think i've mentioned before that i play musical instruments....well i do..the bass,clarinet, and piano.I'm EXTREMELY excited that band re-starts tomorrow.i've been waiting so long for it.AND its my last class before the weekend too!that makes it even better!Then friday i get to go to karaoke again.thats another thing im looking forward to.

onto another note.i started my spring semester of college yesterday.so far i love it.besides my band teacher i have all female teachers and i like them.i have nothing bad to say about them yet.i hope it stays that way.i hardly get along with female teachers.other than band im most excited about my english class, nervous about french, and really tired during math.i missed my 5 am workout this morning so i wasnt prepared to climb all the steps i had to today.i made it though!and i didnt know how much of a maze it is in the top of the ERC building!i got so lost and i was there 20 mins early!i walked up there and took two seconds to look around before i went in my head "oh shit.im fucked." lol. i wasnt trying to be negative but it was creepy upstairs.its just weird.maybe because i havent been there before?oh well.i'll get used to it.off to do math though :)

father time sped up O_o

sometimes i wish i knew how to turn off my thinking brain.i cant help but think!it never stops!ever!whats worse is to actually focus i need my ipod or music or something streaming through me to focus.maybe school will help with that problem.i go back tuesday.up at 5 am for a workout then get ready for school at 6-ish then leave around 6:50 am.gotta be to school by 7:30 am 4 days in a row!thats not too bad i guess.it could always be worse.im very glad of the progress ive made on the wii fit though :) i've lost 3 lbs so far!i didnt have much of a work out today though :/ i got up late and the tv didnt work and when it did everyone came home.i got 14 mins in though plus the time i spent dancing around my room.when school starts i'll be getting more exercise thankfully.climbing up and down stairs with a backpack on my shoulder and walking from building to buidling.ahhhh i cant wait!it'll help with losing weight right?PLUS when it gets warmer i can start riding my bike again :) and run outside and do sports.i dont like having the craving for sweets though when im trying to loose weight.random fact: I'VE BEEN SODA FREE FOR ALMOST 5 MONTHS :) probably one of my GREATEST accomplishments ever is getting soda out of my life.i have so much left to do before school starts tues.hopefully i can get most of it done tomorrow.im also looking forward to fridays now more than ever.i get to go hang out with my sister(not biological) sara at cronies for karaoke night :) its the greatest feeling in the world to get to go up in front of strangers and belt your heart out!i dont think i could ever get sick of it.i also had something strange happen today.it hit me on how nice i actually am.ive been living in this live for going on 20 years and it JUST NOW hits me of how nice i am.it made me feel all warm inside :) maybe my purpose is to help people.im not sure but helping people always feels right.on a last note i'd like to apologize for my blog yesterday.it was not to offend people but to get the point the across that you shouldnt judge people and be so closed minded.its really annoying that a person can just sit there and judge ok?so once again im very sorry to have offended anyone.

LGTB rant and my overstimulated mind at work

its getting late for me but i have A LOT on my mind to think about at the moment which is kind of irritating me.first of all this was popping into my head on my way to church. Those people who discriminate or dislike the livings of people who are bisexual gay lesbian or transgender WHY do you do that?why must you discriminate them?they arent "things" because of what sexual orientation they are.you may not like it but you cant control the world either whether you want to or not.people cant help but be themselves or at least most of them cant. i bet you dont even REALIZE how scary the coming out process is for someone who's gay or bi or lesbian or trans is!!!!YOU DONT KNOW!!!!!and if you dont know then why judge?it urrrggghhhsss me to the core!sooo many people out there are afraid to come out of the closet BECAUSE the fear of rejection by people.people who discriminate LGTB people are no better than bullies picking on little kids!its F*CKING ridiculous!its SICK how closed minded some people are!!!!i mean if god "hates" everyone then WHY does he let temptation run the earth?WHY are there more than one religion?WHY are we not allowed to question the "higher power"?WHY is it a sin for two people of the same sex to sleep together?!WHERE is the prove that the previous question will send you to hell?WHY are LGTB people told that they are hated when people say god loves everyone?and if god loves everyone then does that mean he loves jews?hitler?people in jail?bullies?i mean really somethings that come out of peoples mouths are just one contradiction tripping over another!i mean really?god "hates" LGTB people but doesnt hate the people who kill?!makes no sense.my personal opinion is you should really keep an open mind.like really you should.there might be a LGTB friend or family member thats DYING to tell you but afraid of you're rejection.

ok so onto what im thinking about....im thinking about religion and my sexual orientation and family and my future and what not.my current sexual orientation is bi sexual(which is what started the rant above).i mean i have gotten crap for bein bi.it sucks and its not fun and its definately hard as hell to be proud of yourself when everyone looks at you in disgust.i have been thinking recently about past relationships and i've had more girlfriends than boyfriends and i seem to understand boys more when im just friends with them.when it comes to dating im kind of lost.they all seem to search for something specific and it always makes us clash.as far as girlfriends go i've had one bad relationship.the rest were pretty dang terriffic which makes me question if im truely bi.i mean i dont check out guys or girls.i dont look at someones butt or boobs as they walk past me.maybe its weird that i dont do that but its just me.i dont get attracted by someones looks but by their personality.some people if im attracted by looks(which is rare on my behalf) i try and read them a little by how they act and dress.i've been more attracted to girls though than guys.i cant figure out if im truely attracted to men or if its just something i do for show....which sounds horrible....but its really not for show.it just feels like it for me....its really confusing....im confused!going on to religion.my family is christian but maybe, if you can tell by my rant, im not to sure im christian myself.im not sure what religion i am.im not sure how to figure it out or IF i even want to.im changing subject to bring up something.friday i went to karaoke with my "sisters".i put the quotes because they arent my blood sisters but i grew up with them and they feel like my sisters. it was brittany's birthday wed so they were having a party for her then.it was great to catch up with my friend nick too.i missed him.i missed singing too. i enjoyed it a lot. that night i took pictures and i mean lots of pictures of myself.it was the first time in a long time i actually felt "beautiful".maybe it was just a singing high but i did.i felt like my old self again.with my makeup and my hair.i'm thinking im actually back or going back to that place again.the good place where i was happy with things.i hope so.i hope it lets me start over again as well.

job hunting for the bagillionth time agian :/

stupid terrible days >:/ they are getting on my last NERVE!!!!and bad luck is ALL i seem to be getting.normally im not superstitious but this is starting to get flippin ridiculous!i understand that good people tend to suffer but GEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!!!!there HAS to be some limit somewhere?!it really wouldnt be all that bad if i had some of the things i really want right now....one of them being a job.im not picky but i would like something in the food industry since thats where im headed.im hating these stupid self assessments for job applications as well.i mean really?!they HAVE to be the "do or die" part?i mean if you fail its almost not worth the time it took to fill out the damn application in the first place!im seriously getting desprite.i miss babysitting :( it was such an easy job to get paid for.i need to find 2 jobs but im having hell trying to find places that are hiring.i did find a place that does training for culinary students though.idk if that pays or not though :/ i might just apply to burger king and mcdonalds by my house.if that doesnt work i'll apply to jessicas and so on and plus there IS  new taco bell opening by my house that i might be able to apply for.otherwise im more than happy doing small stuff around a persons house or walking dogs or something.maybe i can even give music lessons over the summer?idk but i need something asap.being jobless isnt working for me in the slightest bit :/

restless nights never end

these nights are terrible.the curse of a constant thinker.with school being next week and so much going on its hard for me to lay down and sleep.i just lay down and roll around and "rest my eyes" instead of sleep.so now on this evening i just sit in front of the tv or do the wii fit.as of now im doing my laundry because im behind.i got to catch up with a friend of mine who i consider as a sister.i dont think i've seen her since our high school graduation which happened in May, 2010. i'm going to start joining her at cronies for karaoke nights :) a thing that used to be everything to me other than band and something i stopped doing because of personal reasons.there is something on my mind though.drama and "love".mk lets start with drama.i have one too many friends who live drama filled lives.for those of you who do this on purpose WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!is it really worth it to you to get attention?everyone has a reason to why they might do what they do but im really upset that i hear so many friends of mine come up to me to talk to me about someone they love wanting to die or making up stories to get someones attention or doing something drastic in general.people will get sick of this and people will leave or you can get the bad end of the stick and have reality give you a good smack in the face.you have people who care about you and dont like you doing this to yourself and that will get fed up with this because its a constant fight.now about love.personally im quite skeptical of it because most relationships i've had were based off lies and no trust.after awhile that gig gets old and you question if its really really out there.and then there are those people who are out there who start dating for like a week or a few days or something and are just "head over heels" in love with one another and get hurt when the relationship doesnt work.ok under certain circumstances are you able to love somebody after dating for a week or two.this circumstance being you knowing this person for a year or more and having a strong attraction for them.if your one of those people who just met one another a week ago and started dating not long after i hate to be the person to tell you you arent in love.its more like lust.give it time.if you rush it it wont last and you guys might get hurt.if you do give it time then it might not work out still BUT it might turn into something really beautiful and it might last.you shouldnt do anything stupid with them but if you do its your choice.always be careful though <3

drugs make stupid people?

i think too much.im sure i do but today as i talk with a friend of mine about writing i realilze how much i miss it.i miss writing stuff for kids and writing novels and writing poems.nothing published but all things i did for fun.i want to do it again.it helped me release so much of my imagination and creatvity and if you get a book out thats good enough you can make good money from it.it would be a fun job.i also had a slight discussion about drugs.i seriously do not see what the big deal is about it.first of all its ANNOYING for people to compare cannabis drugs to alcohol or something that is legal.mk im all for you wanting to do it whether its good or bad for you(yes it CAN BE bad.almost everything is bad for your body).second if you actually do ANY research on cannabis drugs you would know that it has a main HUGE affect on your brain and heart.your brain and heart happen to be two VERY IMPORTANT organs that keep you living.alcohol has a main effect on your liver and kidneys.it does have affect on your brain cells and your heart but not as servere.you can develop an addict and a dependency to cannabis drugs JUST LIKE alcohol.im sorry for the rant but im seriously annoyed with people and their selfish wants without getting facts right.personally im neither for nor against it because i know too many people who do drugs, however im not going to do them.if you do drugs....good for you.if you wanna argue your case then go for it but make sure to get your facts straight before you start a battle.

gummi bear sickness

sickness might be my worst downfall if its bad enough.i have been sick for going on a week i think and the past two days i've had to completely rely on my brother and mom and grandma to get stuff because ive been too weak to move.i havent been able to leave the house and see friends and have had to remain bedridden and sit in front of a tv.its extremely boring.i dont like having to rely on people to take care of me.maybe im too independent but i feel annoying when im sick and i wish it didnt get to the point to where i was weak and couldnt move.i managed to watch a total of 8 movies in one day and also watched my first episode of jersy shore.idk what to make of it.i kinda laughed because the pointless drama that started was just stupid.how the heck to people have short fuses like that?anyway i'd right now id do just about anything to get rid of whatever is keeping me down.id like to be able to see my friends.i had to pass up a pep band game with some friends at my old high school and it kinda bummed me out.at least there is another one next friday and hopefully i will be attending that one and hopefully i'll be able to see some friends too.ughhh i just need some time to vent.hopefully i can remember later what i actually wanted to say.

last night occurred something extremely bizzare.i heard noises coming from my window.is it possible it was my imagination since i heard it at 4 am?possibly.but even if it wasnt it was creepy.my start off to the new year?im sick and it sucks.bed ridden with a hurting throat and upset stomach being able to do NOTHING but sit on the computer or draw or something.maybe a day every week or two to be lazy i would like....to be sick and do this is a different story.gosh dang it this stinks.at least a friend of mine has hooked me up with some music :) and is talking to me.idk why but it helps calms my nerves a bit.not sure why but it does.i want to get better.i want to go to pep band friday and actually play.its not required at least for me since im no longer in high school but its something fun to do in my spare time if im not busy :) i've become addicted to a new song.if you've heard of it.its called a little peice of heaven by avenged sevenfold.thank you to megan(she gets all the credit for it because she's the one who introduced me to it) i will probably be singing that forever other than the song "where is my hairbrush" from veggie tales.i am soo tired just wow.school needs to get here faster.then i can have my mind focus on something.but sadly enough up until then my mind is thinking of random nonsense.

sleep,noises,and peoples stupidity

i feel as if im taken for granted sometimes.it bugs me a lot.not to sound pessimistically but i wont be here forever and who will people depend on then?i was always told growing up to never depend on someone because they wont always be there for you or you'll have to do things on your own sooner or later.after getting tired of hearing this over and over i decided to not depend on people and live as independently as possible and now it seems as if the tables have turned.everyone seems to be depending on me.i try and help as many people as i can but there's always a limit.if you're crying out for attention or something i dont want to help you.not to be mean but i have better things to do than to fight with you about your life and why its worth living.dont you just hate that?when your talking to someone and then they start saying their gonna die and their life isnt worth living any more and you try EVERYTHING in your power to make them stop talking crazy things like this and they dont listen?its SOOOO STUPID!and people who do this and are reading this i have a message for you....PEOPLE WILL CATCH ONTO THIS!!!!personally im really not trying to be mean.im really not.once you deal with stuff for so long you tend to snap.plus where im at its going on 5:20 in the morning and someone or something outside my window is refusing to let me go back to sleep.soo im taking all my frustration out on whatever i can(mainly this).i just yelled at my dog btw.i feel bad for having to actually yell but this shinanagin he plays every night with me when its time to go to bed is rediculous.what he does is he stands by my bedside and i call him to get on the bed for about 10 mins.what he does as im doing this is stand there wagging his tail and looking at me like he doesnt understand what i mean when he actually does since i've been doing this since he was a puppy.this game is really annoying after awhile.anyway i always seem to be there for everyone and since i've found my blog i've found a personal way to get out my emotions and stories or whatever else and feel better.i dont have to confide in a person or anything.its amazing how much freedom something small can bring.

broken once broken again.

wow.it hit me today that im bottling up so much.how much i fear people.and how many secrets i have all to myself.im not sure how i've ended up this way.im not even sure if im happy anymore.i want to be.i want one person to listen to me....to let me spill everything.even if they dont understand.i need someone i can trust.who would that be?im not sure but i hope this all can be "fixed".i seem to be broken for too long....

winter break=piece of cake

im soo off lately.its the wierdest thing.normally im on top of things.wow i guess being in college has finally sunk in.so let me start by saying the start of my new years was amazing :) i spent it with my friends cupcake & koco and cupcake's sister and my brother.it was a blast playing guitar hero aerosmith and plan for our summer road trip.couldn't have ask for something better than that.all my friends, or the majority of them, go back to school today.me on the other hand doesnt not have to attend school again til the 18th of this month.my break is still another 2 weeks and going by quickly.that doesnt bother me too much because i miss my friends.i mean my college friends at least.like meg and jordy and emily and john.despite my fear of people(thank you ex boyfriends) im starting to let my guard down with them.that makes me happy and panics me at the same time.we are in a club called GSA(stans for Gay-Straight Alliance) and that club has already gotten into some battles but they are now resolved thankfully.they are pretty great people :) i talk to this girl meg a lot and she's recently seems to find my blushing and my ocd of spelling funny.theres this other girl named emily who says im like her which makes me happy since i found someone who i have stuff in common with.i also met ellie and alanna.ellie is really outspoken and pretty funny. alanna is pretty cool too.i dont know her too well yet.john is well....john lol.he has a "big gay headbutt" he's going to use to break down my walls of steel.i like talking to them all but i hope my fear of people passes because i would like to be closer with them.i dont have a new years resolution either and i dont think im going to make one.i dont want to make something i wont stick to and i dont want to have to worry about it the whole year.id rather just live life as it is.