GAAAHHHHHHHHH ADSKJFAJFKLAHEDSNF JAKLDXH FASKJLHGDFKJLAJ FUDKJAOKJLHFDIOKLJAGFIOAK;LDSHFNADFHIJOADKLJFAH; <--------word vomit.ok ok ok ok i really just need to BREATHE!!!!!-takes deep deep breaths- yeah not working....plan b) freak out til its gone.PLAN B IS A GO!I REPEAT PLAN B IS A GO!!!!gahhh ok so im freaking out BECAUSE on friday(yes THIS friday) is a team building event for the gsa club im in.it is this friday february 11th at 5 pm.why am i freaking out?to most of you this sounds like nothing.it sounds just like a regular get-together with some people from a club to work on team building.it is a get together and it is for team building BUT im freaked out because of a fear i have.well technically two will be coming into play on friday.fear 1 is my EXTREME fear of people.i have this fear for personal personal reasons that might get hard to understand.if i grew up with you or have known you for awhile you dont classify under my fear.the rest of you sorry to say im basically piss my pants afraid of you.fear number 2 is the fear of eating in front of people.thats a stranger fear i know but i have it.i have it just based on growing up and having people watch me eat and just staring at me eat whether it was a lot or a little and the same people making sassy remarks about my eating.i never liked it and i quit trying to do something about it because it only helped the situation get worse.i basically got to the point where i was done trying and just said fuck it.it got to the point where i went to school and ate nothing or i ate very little of my meals.there were days i do admit where i "pigged out" at lunch because i was STARVING then i would kinda look in the mirror and ask why i did it.its all over now but it was back then.but what people used to do to me is the reason why i eat in bathrooms,or eat in my bedroom,or am hesitant about how much food im getting at a place when im the one ordering.people you'd really be surprised what words can do to a person.words do and can hurt, they CAN leave scars, and they CAN cause someone who once thought they were beautiful to look at themselves everyday and just feel hideous.i mean ive lost 30 lbs and i still feel like the ugliest thing thats ever roamed the earth because of what people did to me.i realise that once this blog gets out im prolly gonna be answering a lot of questions from people but like i said its all in the past.i dont have the highest self esteem about myself and i really do thing im ugly but eventually it will all change in time....i will be happy and normal i guess.
btw i AM GOING to this gsa event friday(obviously) but i wasnt sure if i stated in an earlier blog if i was or wasnt going.im not all the happy/stoked about it but im going and if anything i'll sit back and watch.i cant promise to participate.
and as for the trip thats in almost 2 weeks....nerves still arent thrilled about that one either.
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