plan b....crude humor NOT suggested....personal problems are involved

GAAAHHHHHHHHH ADSKJFAJFKLAHEDSNF JAKLDXH FASKJLHGDFKJLAJ FUDKJAOKJLHFDIOKLJAGFIOAK;LDSHFNADFHIJOADKLJFAH; <--------word vomit.ok ok ok ok i really just need to BREATHE!!!!!-takes deep deep breaths- yeah not working....plan b) freak out til its gone.PLAN B IS A GO!I REPEAT PLAN B IS A GO!!!!gahhh ok so im freaking out BECAUSE on friday(yes THIS friday) is a team building event for the gsa club im in.it is this friday february 11th at 5 pm.why am i freaking out?to most of you this sounds like nothing.it sounds just like a regular get-together with some people from a club to work on team building.it is a get together and it is for team building BUT im freaked out because of a fear i have.well technically two will be coming into play on friday.fear 1 is my EXTREME fear of people.i have this fear for personal personal reasons that might get hard to understand.if i grew up with you or have known you for awhile you dont classify under my fear.the rest of you sorry to say im basically piss my pants afraid of you.fear number 2 is the fear of eating in front of people.thats  a stranger fear i know but i have it.i have it just based on growing up and having people watch me eat and just staring at me eat whether it was a lot or a little and the same people making sassy remarks about my eating.i never liked it and i quit trying to do something about it because it only helped the situation get worse.i basically got to the point where i was done trying and just said fuck it.it got to the point where i went to school and ate nothing or i ate very little of my meals.there were days i do admit where i "pigged out" at lunch because i was STARVING then i would kinda look in the mirror and ask why i did it.its all over now but it was back then.but what people used to do to me is the reason why i eat in bathrooms,or eat in my bedroom,or am hesitant about how much food im getting at a place when im the one ordering.people you'd really be surprised what words can do to a person.words do and can hurt, they CAN leave scars, and they CAN cause someone who once thought they were beautiful to look at themselves everyday and just feel hideous.i mean ive lost 30 lbs and i still feel like the ugliest thing thats ever roamed the earth because of what people did to me.i realise that once this blog gets out im prolly gonna be answering a lot of questions from people but like i said its all in the past.i dont have the highest self esteem about myself and i really do thing im ugly but eventually it will all change in time....i will be happy and normal i guess.

btw i  AM GOING to this gsa event friday(obviously) but i wasnt sure if i stated in an earlier blog if i was or wasnt going.im not all the happy/stoked about it but im going and if anything i'll sit back and watch.i cant promise to participate.

and as for the trip thats in almost 2 weeks....nerves still arent thrilled about that one either.

vagina monologues and the fear of nice people XD

its been soo long since i last wrote a blog!so much has been happening!soo next month in february my school's GSA club will be going on a confrence to Ann Arbor, michigan for a LGTB conference!im very excited to go!and we FINALLY got enough money for my friend to go!I ALMOST CRIED WHEN I FOUND OUT <3 !!!!!i would be really freaked out if she couldn't go.i'd still go but i'd rather have her come.i'm still kind of nervous about the trip though.its my first *LGTB conference.its nothing like it would be for band for sure.i'm scared i might not like it or something will happen or something!i dont like to think so pessimistically but its the only way im thinking lol.

ok soo last thursday my friend jordy and i went to wendy's for dinner or snack or whatever you call it.it was in the evening and we got it so we werent hungry during class.we met this lady and she comes up and asks us if we want to participate in something called the "vagina monologues". we had to ask her about 5 times before we were sure she was saying vagina. probably the most random and epic thing ever!we talked about the "vagina monologues" and signed up for audition times. today i had my audition :) i think i got a part.if i didnt i'm more than happy to help!they basically had me read lines to make sure i was ok talking about vagina's and saying the word cunt.lol it was one of those things i couldn't help but laugh at when it was over because it was just so random!and i talked with a friend today.an old friend who i always fought with.i want to try patching things up with him at least.it's the least i can try to do.oh oh oh....I HAVE BAND TOMORROW NIGHT <3 <3 <3 <3 i cant wait!!!!its that one class i can't wait to come around!even if it is 2 & 1/2 hours long or around there.its amazing and fun and i wouldn't trade it for the world <3.

ok so im totally changing the topic.soo last semester(fall semester 2010.which is also my first college semester) i met all these cool people in *GSA.There's this one girl that im a lot alike.we kinda hardly talk but she's soo cool.and then there's this other girl right?and like (this prolly will sound sooooooo incredibly lame) but she was one of those people that stood out to me a lot.yeah that sounds extremely corny hahaha....like then everyone we met in club added one another and she was one of the first people in club to actually talk  to me!she's talked to me awhile after that.she's pretty pretty amazing!like she can get me to blush cherry red and makes me smile lots and she makes me lose the game....thats important since she always "wins".she's like really really goofy and has add problems.and like the other night it occured to me that i talk to her a LOT and i get to know all these fabulous things about her....but i've been in my shell this entire time and i'm still afraid of her and she's sooo nice!HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF A NICE PERSON?!....im not sure but im afraid lol.im not as afraid of her as i was before but im still afraid.anyway as i was saying....i talk to her a LOT and i get to know a lot about her....then out of the blue it hits me that she prolly knows nothing about me!lol besides the other girl i mentioned she's the one i talk to about every day!and i've been talking to her since sometime last fall semester....sooo im totally worried about letting my guard down but yet i want to.its the least i can do since she's been nothing but nice and goofy and fabulous to me.i'm sure i can trust her.i see no reason not to.

so to a new beginning....i shall shed my walls :)
man i sound corny tonight lol

*GSA=Gay Straight Alliance
*LGTB=Lesbian Gay Transgender Bisexual

winter break=piece of cake

im soo off lately.its the wierdest thing.normally im on top of things.wow i guess being in college has finally sunk in.so let me start by saying the start of my new years was amazing :) i spent it with my friends cupcake & koco and cupcake's sister and my brother.it was a blast playing guitar hero aerosmith and plan for our summer road trip.couldn't have ask for something better than that.all my friends, or the majority of them, go back to school today.me on the other hand doesnt not have to attend school again til the 18th of this month.my break is still another 2 weeks and going by quickly.that doesnt bother me too much because i miss my friends.i mean my college friends at least.like meg and jordy and emily and john.despite my fear of people(thank you ex boyfriends) im starting to let my guard down with them.that makes me happy and panics me at the same time.we are in a club called GSA(stans for Gay-Straight Alliance) and that club has already gotten into some battles but they are now resolved thankfully.they are pretty great people :) i talk to this girl meg a lot and she's recently seems to find my blushing and my ocd of spelling funny.theres this other girl named emily who says im like her which makes me happy since i found someone who i have stuff in common with.i also met ellie and alanna.ellie is really outspoken and pretty funny. alanna is pretty cool too.i dont know her too well yet.john is well....john lol.he has a "big gay headbutt" he's going to use to break down my walls of steel.i like talking to them all but i hope my fear of people passes because i would like to be closer with them.i dont have a new years resolution either and i dont think im going to make one.i dont want to make something i wont stick to and i dont want to have to worry about it the whole year.id rather just live life as it is.