my heart and brain are so torn....that my realistic dreams have become nightmares

so much on my mind its basically killing me.its just insane!!!!have you ever been sleep deprived because there was so much on your mind that you thought your head was going to explode?!yeah thats currently my case.on a school night(for two reasons) i pulled an all nighter.i stayed up did/finished my gift wrapping for my friends birthday vented to the same friend about crap going on and about somethings i've been holding in for a long time.i opened up though.it makes me feel accomplished in a way because its a start to something.hopefuly its the start to something good.i can only hope :) as for what i talked about?im not sharing that....at least not yet.its just too personal.my friend stephanie has been on my mind all day.im so sad that shes gone but i also understand her reasoning as to why she's leaving.things will get better for everyone and she'll find a good guy to settle down with.maybe not right now but in time at least.as i said before im sleep deprived so im going to be extremely random.last night when i found out stephanie was leaving i was heart broken and i said my goodbyes to her at my other friend sara's house.she's my best friend and im not going to let her drop off the face of the earth again.oh oh oh oh oh!!!!today is my friend jordy's birthday.she wishes to skip her birthday though.im kinda hoping that she likes what i have to give her for her birthday.if she doesnt its ok.im also afraid that her and i are gonna have to deal with a  lot of crap today.if thats how its gonna be it makes me nervous and what not.i really dont need any crap.i got birthdays and school to worry about PLUS getting over the fact my best friend has just left.errr one of my best friends at least.its not like she's dead or anything but she's in another state so i wont get to see her when i wanna or anything.she wont be able to come to my house to swim.and all that other stuff.i know shes strong though and she'll do ok down there.i know she'll make it and hopefully be ok since shes a clutz.im also hoping my tear ducts are all dried up.i've been crying a lot since i left saras house.its all just rawrrr....no one seems to be having a good week this week :( im worried more that this whole month will make things fall apart for me.like life wise february has to  be the most busiest month for me to endure.just soo much goes on especially this year since im going on that trip with my GSA club.that trip still makes me a little uneasy but i think i'll live....or manage....one of the two lol.while on the topic of GSA my mom told me that her and i were invited to a valentines day dance this saturday at LGTB spectrum of rockford.it makes me excited.they asked me to sell bracelets for club during the dance which works on my behalf since i more than likely wont have a date to escort or vise versa.ehh just screw valentines day in general lol.im not personally a big fan of the holiday.i never have been and people act as if its a crazy thing or something.a lot of people gasp when i tell them valentines day can drop off the face of the earth.its my opinion honestly and i have nothing against people who like or celebrate the holiday.i just want no part in it.omg btw my niece is turning 5 YEARS OLD this weekend!!!!!OMG SHES GETTING SOOOOO FREAKING BIG <3 shes still going to be my turtle :) hopefully when she turns 5 everything slows down a bit.i want and dont want a fast year this year.i dont want it to go fast because i want to take all the time in the world discovering myself and breaking down my barriers.i want it to go fast because if any drama or fight or anything else thats just not worth the energy in my book it can ALL just whip past my face in the blink of an eye and i can forgive,forget,and move on.mixed feelings are just a wonderful thing.ughhh i wish.and lately thats all ive been having are mixed feelings and mainly about myself.i hate questioning myself and my life and what i do and i do it ALL THE TIME....its like a never ending cycle of changing.i think i personally do it to please people.i also think that growing up and being put throw all the crap i've gone through i've never really tried finding myself.im not sure but its about time i start letting some of my trapped self out of the cage and become more free....yet at the same time it all sounds so unrealistic....oh my heart....and oh my brain....both of you stop being so torn and work together.im tired of being lost and confused with no light at the end of the tunnel.its really about time something changed <3