:o] <---- face of epic cuteness!

soooo yesterday was a total rollercoaster.like both good and bad.the bad is the trip that some kids in the GSA group are going on.that was just chaos in a way.at least my dog got to see the campus i go to when im not with him.i would take him to cronies and other places i go to when im not at his side but it didnt feel neccissary since im mostly at school with my friends.but i waiting in my car for jordy to arrive and when she DID finally arrive we like rushed in there and nothing felt organized at ALL.it was like for real?fucking a this is ridiculous.then of course i got fed up and snapped(kinda).what's weird to me is i actually dont feel bad for snapping.i guess i just finally hit my breaking point with the stupid crap.ehh oh well.i know later today i have lunch with people for the vagina monologues....if i got a part or something.i  have no idea when im gonna hear from them but im so nervous!at least i can do whatever i want :) but after the thing at school i went home and got ready for karaoke.it was with my non-biological sisters breanna and sara and then jordy and her girlfriend alexa joined us along with meg.since i was used to breanna and sara being there and singing in front of them i got extremely nervous to sing in front of jordy,alexa,and meg.i dont think they'd care but i fear of looking like a fool or something.i'm prolly gonna gather some courage and sing next friday whether they come or not.my grandma said she wanted to come sometime too.i have to remember that lol.i got swarmed by my dog and my sisters dog though when i got home.they are now the things keeping my feet warm <3 lol

posture....snow....wendy's....band....that works :)

my friend jordy and i have a thing now.every thursday we are going to wendy's, getting chicken sandwiches, a frosty, and maybe fries, and sitting in the schoolk atrium just talking and om nom noming on our food.its pretty amazing!we have a thing lmao.that sounds dirty xp.OOOHHHHH WELLLL <3 no longer can i have a bad day on thursdays.jordy is just to freaking epic when she's around to not be in a terrible mood. Like today i drove our butts to wendys for food and i got a parking spot RIGHT ACROSS the pec center!THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER BEEN!!!!and then what i did is i stood in a spot that was across from mine so she can move her car lmao.is that even legal?!oh well.i did it and it was funny and dorky.the only thing i could think of was for her to get her "bitch ass" over to the spot quicker so someone didnt try to kill me for the spot. oh oh oh and earlier today IT WAS SNOWING....and not just like regular snow it was like the really mad snow that comes down really fast and really hard and covers everything in like a split second.it was COLD and something that i didnt need while i walked my tired butt from class to class to car.it wasnt fun but i did it and almost wrecked like 4 times on the way home and the last time i turned i slid down my street to basically my driveway.it was the most fun yet scariest thing i've encountered all day.i porbably wont be doing it again though.changing the suject again tomorrow night is karaoke!thank the lord i've been SOOOO EXCITED to go!i've also been excited for band as well....i get so excited when it comes to anything music related.is that sad????or even bad????like i get all bubbly and excited and really really eager and impatient.almost like a little kid on christmas waiting at 6 am to open presents.now i feel like such a total weirdo.i've come across this bad habit by the way that i get whenever im in band class.i have to sit straight up and on the edge of my chair.i HAVE to.i can't even tell you how many times i've "fixed" it and gone back to it again.it's just weird!maybe its because im getting ready for the posure for band which is why i do it.i've been such a chatty cathy lately too.im not sure why but i totally am....or feel like one.its now going on 6:15 pm.class starts at 6:45 pm.i think maybe i should close this up post to facebook and go get my seat!

btw....i can't wait for the week long thing to end lol i want my last name back </3

vagina monologues and the fear of nice people XD

its been soo long since i last wrote a blog!so much has been happening!soo next month in february my school's GSA club will be going on a confrence to Ann Arbor, michigan for a LGTB conference!im very excited to go!and we FINALLY got enough money for my friend to go!I ALMOST CRIED WHEN I FOUND OUT <3 !!!!!i would be really freaked out if she couldn't go.i'd still go but i'd rather have her come.i'm still kind of nervous about the trip though.its my first *LGTB conference.its nothing like it would be for band for sure.i'm scared i might not like it or something will happen or something!i dont like to think so pessimistically but its the only way im thinking lol.

ok soo last thursday my friend jordy and i went to wendy's for dinner or snack or whatever you call it.it was in the evening and we got it so we werent hungry during class.we met this lady and she comes up and asks us if we want to participate in something called the "vagina monologues". we had to ask her about 5 times before we were sure she was saying vagina. probably the most random and epic thing ever!we talked about the "vagina monologues" and signed up for audition times. today i had my audition :) i think i got a part.if i didnt i'm more than happy to help!they basically had me read lines to make sure i was ok talking about vagina's and saying the word cunt.lol it was one of those things i couldn't help but laugh at when it was over because it was just so random!and i talked with a friend today.an old friend who i always fought with.i want to try patching things up with him at least.it's the least i can try to do.oh oh oh....I HAVE BAND TOMORROW NIGHT <3 <3 <3 <3 i cant wait!!!!its that one class i can't wait to come around!even if it is 2 & 1/2 hours long or around there.its amazing and fun and i wouldn't trade it for the world <3.

ok so im totally changing the topic.soo last semester(fall semester 2010.which is also my first college semester) i met all these cool people in *GSA.There's this one girl that im a lot alike.we kinda hardly talk but she's soo cool.and then there's this other girl right?and like (this prolly will sound sooooooo incredibly lame) but she was one of those people that stood out to me a lot.yeah that sounds extremely corny hahaha....like then everyone we met in club added one another and she was one of the first people in club to actually talk  to me!she's talked to me awhile after that.she's pretty pretty amazing!like she can get me to blush cherry red and makes me smile lots and she makes me lose the game....thats important since she always "wins".she's like really really goofy and has add problems.and like the other night it occured to me that i talk to her a LOT and i get to know all these fabulous things about her....but i've been in my shell this entire time and i'm still afraid of her and she's sooo nice!HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF A NICE PERSON?!....im not sure but im afraid lol.im not as afraid of her as i was before but im still afraid.anyway as i was saying....i talk to her a LOT and i get to know a lot about her....then out of the blue it hits me that she prolly knows nothing about me!lol besides the other girl i mentioned she's the one i talk to about every day!and i've been talking to her since sometime last fall semester....sooo im totally worried about letting my guard down but yet i want to.its the least i can do since she's been nothing but nice and goofy and fabulous to me.i'm sure i can trust her.i see no reason not to.

so to a new beginning....i shall shed my walls :)
man i sound corny tonight lol

*GSA=Gay Straight Alliance
*LGTB=Lesbian Gay Transgender Bisexual

buddhism & karma

im taking the time today before i go to karaoke with some friends to look into the religion of buddhism.from what i've read it's things i've believed in since i was young.such as karma and reincarnation. i learned more about reincarnation, what is good and bad karma, and what is wanted and not wanted in the religion.this religion makes me happy in so many ways.i want to convert but so nervous at the same time because i have much to learn if i do convert.i would really like to convert though.if its something i've always believed in from a young age then i dont see why i dont just convert. i hope only that if i convert i follow the religion well.its much more of a spiritual journey than it is physical.it doesnt seem like buddhist judge people at all.but i can also be wrong.only time can tell.i will look more into it and if anyone has any information about it please respond.

where i got my info:
http://www.pbs.org/edens/thailand/buddhism.htm

I LOST THE GAME....take that sir hehe

i would like to know who invented this thing called "the game".i've been playing it for countless years and this is the first time EVER i have lost this much!COME ON!!!!Yesterday i lost about 10 times!I mean REALLY?!?!And its more or less John's fault for introducing meg to it....now she's making me lose because she likes my reaction.Gahhhh!!!!WHY WAS THIS CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!Or a better question would be WHO WAS BORED ENOUGH TO CREATE THIS DUMB GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?And no im not angry.Just plotting my revenge.I think i might get back at them during my trip next month.I can't WAIT to go!A whole weekend for a LGTB convention.I'm greatly excited and nervous at the same time.Excited because its my first LGTB convention!Who WOULDN'T be excited for something like this?!However, I'm nervous that i might not like it.I'm also worried its not going to be what i expected it to be....but at the same time im not even sure what to expect....so i guess i can't be disappointed with something im not sure of what to expect?

ehh...ANYWAY....i dont think i've mentioned before that i play musical instruments....well i do..the bass,clarinet, and piano.I'm EXTREMELY excited that band re-starts tomorrow.i've been waiting so long for it.AND its my last class before the weekend too!that makes it even better!Then friday i get to go to karaoke again.thats another thing im looking forward to.

onto another note.i started my spring semester of college yesterday.so far i love it.besides my band teacher i have all female teachers and i like them.i have nothing bad to say about them yet.i hope it stays that way.i hardly get along with female teachers.other than band im most excited about my english class, nervous about french, and really tired during math.i missed my 5 am workout this morning so i wasnt prepared to climb all the steps i had to today.i made it though!and i didnt know how much of a maze it is in the top of the ERC building!i got so lost and i was there 20 mins early!i walked up there and took two seconds to look around before i went in my head "oh shit.im fucked." lol. i wasnt trying to be negative but it was creepy upstairs.its just weird.maybe because i havent been there before?oh well.i'll get used to it.off to do math though :)

father time sped up O_o

sometimes i wish i knew how to turn off my thinking brain.i cant help but think!it never stops!ever!whats worse is to actually focus i need my ipod or music or something streaming through me to focus.maybe school will help with that problem.i go back tuesday.up at 5 am for a workout then get ready for school at 6-ish then leave around 6:50 am.gotta be to school by 7:30 am 4 days in a row!thats not too bad i guess.it could always be worse.im very glad of the progress ive made on the wii fit though :) i've lost 3 lbs so far!i didnt have much of a work out today though :/ i got up late and the tv didnt work and when it did everyone came home.i got 14 mins in though plus the time i spent dancing around my room.when school starts i'll be getting more exercise thankfully.climbing up and down stairs with a backpack on my shoulder and walking from building to buidling.ahhhh i cant wait!it'll help with losing weight right?PLUS when it gets warmer i can start riding my bike again :) and run outside and do sports.i dont like having the craving for sweets though when im trying to loose weight.random fact: I'VE BEEN SODA FREE FOR ALMOST 5 MONTHS :) probably one of my GREATEST accomplishments ever is getting soda out of my life.i have so much left to do before school starts tues.hopefully i can get most of it done tomorrow.im also looking forward to fridays now more than ever.i get to go hang out with my sister(not biological) sara at cronies for karaoke night :) its the greatest feeling in the world to get to go up in front of strangers and belt your heart out!i dont think i could ever get sick of it.i also had something strange happen today.it hit me on how nice i actually am.ive been living in this live for going on 20 years and it JUST NOW hits me of how nice i am.it made me feel all warm inside :) maybe my purpose is to help people.im not sure but helping people always feels right.on a last note i'd like to apologize for my blog yesterday.it was not to offend people but to get the point the across that you shouldnt judge people and be so closed minded.its really annoying that a person can just sit there and judge ok?so once again im very sorry to have offended anyone.

LGTB rant and my overstimulated mind at work

its getting late for me but i have A LOT on my mind to think about at the moment which is kind of irritating me.first of all this was popping into my head on my way to church. Those people who discriminate or dislike the livings of people who are bisexual gay lesbian or transgender WHY do you do that?why must you discriminate them?they arent "things" because of what sexual orientation they are.you may not like it but you cant control the world either whether you want to or not.people cant help but be themselves or at least most of them cant. i bet you dont even REALIZE how scary the coming out process is for someone who's gay or bi or lesbian or trans is!!!!YOU DONT KNOW!!!!!and if you dont know then why judge?it urrrggghhhsss me to the core!sooo many people out there are afraid to come out of the closet BECAUSE the fear of rejection by people.people who discriminate LGTB people are no better than bullies picking on little kids!its F*CKING ridiculous!its SICK how closed minded some people are!!!!i mean if god "hates" everyone then WHY does he let temptation run the earth?WHY are there more than one religion?WHY are we not allowed to question the "higher power"?WHY is it a sin for two people of the same sex to sleep together?!WHERE is the prove that the previous question will send you to hell?WHY are LGTB people told that they are hated when people say god loves everyone?and if god loves everyone then does that mean he loves jews?hitler?people in jail?bullies?i mean really somethings that come out of peoples mouths are just one contradiction tripping over another!i mean really?god "hates" LGTB people but doesnt hate the people who kill?!makes no sense.my personal opinion is you should really keep an open mind.like really you should.there might be a LGTB friend or family member thats DYING to tell you but afraid of you're rejection.

ok so onto what im thinking about....im thinking about religion and my sexual orientation and family and my future and what not.my current sexual orientation is bi sexual(which is what started the rant above).i mean i have gotten crap for bein bi.it sucks and its not fun and its definately hard as hell to be proud of yourself when everyone looks at you in disgust.i have been thinking recently about past relationships and i've had more girlfriends than boyfriends and i seem to understand boys more when im just friends with them.when it comes to dating im kind of lost.they all seem to search for something specific and it always makes us clash.as far as girlfriends go i've had one bad relationship.the rest were pretty dang terriffic which makes me question if im truely bi.i mean i dont check out guys or girls.i dont look at someones butt or boobs as they walk past me.maybe its weird that i dont do that but its just me.i dont get attracted by someones looks but by their personality.some people if im attracted by looks(which is rare on my behalf) i try and read them a little by how they act and dress.i've been more attracted to girls though than guys.i cant figure out if im truely attracted to men or if its just something i do for show....which sounds horrible....but its really not for show.it just feels like it for me....its really confusing....im confused!going on to religion.my family is christian but maybe, if you can tell by my rant, im not to sure im christian myself.im not sure what religion i am.im not sure how to figure it out or IF i even want to.im changing subject to bring up something.friday i went to karaoke with my "sisters".i put the quotes because they arent my blood sisters but i grew up with them and they feel like my sisters. it was brittany's birthday wed so they were having a party for her then.it was great to catch up with my friend nick too.i missed him.i missed singing too. i enjoyed it a lot. that night i took pictures and i mean lots of pictures of myself.it was the first time in a long time i actually felt "beautiful".maybe it was just a singing high but i did.i felt like my old self again.with my makeup and my hair.i'm thinking im actually back or going back to that place again.the good place where i was happy with things.i hope so.i hope it lets me start over again as well.

job hunting for the bagillionth time agian :/

stupid terrible days >:/ they are getting on my last NERVE!!!!and bad luck is ALL i seem to be getting.normally im not superstitious but this is starting to get flippin ridiculous!i understand that good people tend to suffer but GEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!!!!there HAS to be some limit somewhere?!it really wouldnt be all that bad if i had some of the things i really want right now....one of them being a job.im not picky but i would like something in the food industry since thats where im headed.im hating these stupid self assessments for job applications as well.i mean really?!they HAVE to be the "do or die" part?i mean if you fail its almost not worth the time it took to fill out the damn application in the first place!im seriously getting desprite.i miss babysitting :( it was such an easy job to get paid for.i need to find 2 jobs but im having hell trying to find places that are hiring.i did find a place that does training for culinary students though.idk if that pays or not though :/ i might just apply to burger king and mcdonalds by my house.if that doesnt work i'll apply to jessicas and so on and plus there IS  new taco bell opening by my house that i might be able to apply for.otherwise im more than happy doing small stuff around a persons house or walking dogs or something.maybe i can even give music lessons over the summer?idk but i need something asap.being jobless isnt working for me in the slightest bit :/

restless nights never end

these nights are terrible.the curse of a constant thinker.with school being next week and so much going on its hard for me to lay down and sleep.i just lay down and roll around and "rest my eyes" instead of sleep.so now on this evening i just sit in front of the tv or do the wii fit.as of now im doing my laundry because im behind.i got to catch up with a friend of mine who i consider as a sister.i dont think i've seen her since our high school graduation which happened in May, 2010. i'm going to start joining her at cronies for karaoke nights :) a thing that used to be everything to me other than band and something i stopped doing because of personal reasons.there is something on my mind though.drama and "love".mk lets start with drama.i have one too many friends who live drama filled lives.for those of you who do this on purpose WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!is it really worth it to you to get attention?everyone has a reason to why they might do what they do but im really upset that i hear so many friends of mine come up to me to talk to me about someone they love wanting to die or making up stories to get someones attention or doing something drastic in general.people will get sick of this and people will leave or you can get the bad end of the stick and have reality give you a good smack in the face.you have people who care about you and dont like you doing this to yourself and that will get fed up with this because its a constant fight.now about love.personally im quite skeptical of it because most relationships i've had were based off lies and no trust.after awhile that gig gets old and you question if its really really out there.and then there are those people who are out there who start dating for like a week or a few days or something and are just "head over heels" in love with one another and get hurt when the relationship doesnt work.ok under certain circumstances are you able to love somebody after dating for a week or two.this circumstance being you knowing this person for a year or more and having a strong attraction for them.if your one of those people who just met one another a week ago and started dating not long after i hate to be the person to tell you you arent in love.its more like lust.give it time.if you rush it it wont last and you guys might get hurt.if you do give it time then it might not work out still BUT it might turn into something really beautiful and it might last.you shouldnt do anything stupid with them but if you do its your choice.always be careful though <3

drugs make stupid people?

i think too much.im sure i do but today as i talk with a friend of mine about writing i realilze how much i miss it.i miss writing stuff for kids and writing novels and writing poems.nothing published but all things i did for fun.i want to do it again.it helped me release so much of my imagination and creatvity and if you get a book out thats good enough you can make good money from it.it would be a fun job.i also had a slight discussion about drugs.i seriously do not see what the big deal is about it.first of all its ANNOYING for people to compare cannabis drugs to alcohol or something that is legal.mk im all for you wanting to do it whether its good or bad for you(yes it CAN BE bad.almost everything is bad for your body).second if you actually do ANY research on cannabis drugs you would know that it has a main HUGE affect on your brain and heart.your brain and heart happen to be two VERY IMPORTANT organs that keep you living.alcohol has a main effect on your liver and kidneys.it does have affect on your brain cells and your heart but not as servere.you can develop an addict and a dependency to cannabis drugs JUST LIKE alcohol.im sorry for the rant but im seriously annoyed with people and their selfish wants without getting facts right.personally im neither for nor against it because i know too many people who do drugs, however im not going to do them.if you do drugs....good for you.if you wanna argue your case then go for it but make sure to get your facts straight before you start a battle.

gummi bear sickness

sickness might be my worst downfall if its bad enough.i have been sick for going on a week i think and the past two days i've had to completely rely on my brother and mom and grandma to get stuff because ive been too weak to move.i havent been able to leave the house and see friends and have had to remain bedridden and sit in front of a tv.its extremely boring.i dont like having to rely on people to take care of me.maybe im too independent but i feel annoying when im sick and i wish it didnt get to the point to where i was weak and couldnt move.i managed to watch a total of 8 movies in one day and also watched my first episode of jersy shore.idk what to make of it.i kinda laughed because the pointless drama that started was just stupid.how the heck to people have short fuses like that?anyway i'd right now id do just about anything to get rid of whatever is keeping me down.id like to be able to see my friends.i had to pass up a pep band game with some friends at my old high school and it kinda bummed me out.at least there is another one next friday and hopefully i will be attending that one and hopefully i'll be able to see some friends too.ughhh i just need some time to vent.hopefully i can remember later what i actually wanted to say.

last night occurred something extremely bizzare.i heard noises coming from my window.is it possible it was my imagination since i heard it at 4 am?possibly.but even if it wasnt it was creepy.my start off to the new year?im sick and it sucks.bed ridden with a hurting throat and upset stomach being able to do NOTHING but sit on the computer or draw or something.maybe a day every week or two to be lazy i would like....to be sick and do this is a different story.gosh dang it this stinks.at least a friend of mine has hooked me up with some music :) and is talking to me.idk why but it helps calms my nerves a bit.not sure why but it does.i want to get better.i want to go to pep band friday and actually play.its not required at least for me since im no longer in high school but its something fun to do in my spare time if im not busy :) i've become addicted to a new song.if you've heard of it.its called a little peice of heaven by avenged sevenfold.thank you to megan(she gets all the credit for it because she's the one who introduced me to it) i will probably be singing that forever other than the song "where is my hairbrush" from veggie tales.i am soo tired just wow.school needs to get here faster.then i can have my mind focus on something.but sadly enough up until then my mind is thinking of random nonsense.

sleep,noises,and peoples stupidity

i feel as if im taken for granted sometimes.it bugs me a lot.not to sound pessimistically but i wont be here forever and who will people depend on then?i was always told growing up to never depend on someone because they wont always be there for you or you'll have to do things on your own sooner or later.after getting tired of hearing this over and over i decided to not depend on people and live as independently as possible and now it seems as if the tables have turned.everyone seems to be depending on me.i try and help as many people as i can but there's always a limit.if you're crying out for attention or something i dont want to help you.not to be mean but i have better things to do than to fight with you about your life and why its worth living.dont you just hate that?when your talking to someone and then they start saying their gonna die and their life isnt worth living any more and you try EVERYTHING in your power to make them stop talking crazy things like this and they dont listen?its SOOOO STUPID!and people who do this and are reading this i have a message for you....PEOPLE WILL CATCH ONTO THIS!!!!personally im really not trying to be mean.im really not.once you deal with stuff for so long you tend to snap.plus where im at its going on 5:20 in the morning and someone or something outside my window is refusing to let me go back to sleep.soo im taking all my frustration out on whatever i can(mainly this).i just yelled at my dog btw.i feel bad for having to actually yell but this shinanagin he plays every night with me when its time to go to bed is rediculous.what he does is he stands by my bedside and i call him to get on the bed for about 10 mins.what he does as im doing this is stand there wagging his tail and looking at me like he doesnt understand what i mean when he actually does since i've been doing this since he was a puppy.this game is really annoying after awhile.anyway i always seem to be there for everyone and since i've found my blog i've found a personal way to get out my emotions and stories or whatever else and feel better.i dont have to confide in a person or anything.its amazing how much freedom something small can bring.

broken once broken again.

wow.it hit me today that im bottling up so much.how much i fear people.and how many secrets i have all to myself.im not sure how i've ended up this way.im not even sure if im happy anymore.i want to be.i want one person to listen to me....to let me spill everything.even if they dont understand.i need someone i can trust.who would that be?im not sure but i hope this all can be "fixed".i seem to be broken for too long....

winter break=piece of cake

im soo off lately.its the wierdest thing.normally im on top of things.wow i guess being in college has finally sunk in.so let me start by saying the start of my new years was amazing :) i spent it with my friends cupcake & koco and cupcake's sister and my brother.it was a blast playing guitar hero aerosmith and plan for our summer road trip.couldn't have ask for something better than that.all my friends, or the majority of them, go back to school today.me on the other hand doesnt not have to attend school again til the 18th of this month.my break is still another 2 weeks and going by quickly.that doesnt bother me too much because i miss my friends.i mean my college friends at least.like meg and jordy and emily and john.despite my fear of people(thank you ex boyfriends) im starting to let my guard down with them.that makes me happy and panics me at the same time.we are in a club called GSA(stans for Gay-Straight Alliance) and that club has already gotten into some battles but they are now resolved thankfully.they are pretty great people :) i talk to this girl meg a lot and she's recently seems to find my blushing and my ocd of spelling funny.theres this other girl named emily who says im like her which makes me happy since i found someone who i have stuff in common with.i also met ellie and alanna.ellie is really outspoken and pretty funny. alanna is pretty cool too.i dont know her too well yet.john is well....john lol.he has a "big gay headbutt" he's going to use to break down my walls of steel.i like talking to them all but i hope my fear of people passes because i would like to be closer with them.i dont have a new years resolution either and i dont think im going to make one.i dont want to make something i wont stick to and i dont want to have to worry about it the whole year.id rather just live life as it is.