MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN....the recap!!!!

sooo as most of you know i went to a LGTBQQ connfrence that was held in Ann Arbor, Michigan.IT WAS AMAZING <3 it makes you want to be proud of being yourself!and no it was not all LGTBQQ people.they did have straight people there and god bless those straight allies for attending and for their love and support :) to anyone who is reading/reads my blog thank you for your support!it means a lot that people read this!

ok so about the confrence....
it was a LTBGQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was actually called MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN to be precise.it was not simply just called the LGTBQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor.

MBLGTACC stands for: 
Midwest
Bi-sexual
Lesbian
Gay
Trans
Ally
College
Conference

it was held at the University of Michigan. Thank you University of Michigan for lending over the campus for an amazing weekend for LGTBQQA students. God i dont think ANYONE knows how much of a blast i had! I WANNA COME BACK <3 but the next one can only be better :) gosh im SOOOO excited for it! Ok im kind of off topic at the moment so lets go back ON topic. The trip was amazing and definately worth the long cramped car ride there and back. I felt sooo happy and accepted! When we got to Ann Arbor after FINALLY getting ourselves back on track, we dropped our stuff off at the Inn we stayed at. The Inn was REALLY nice. We stayed in a suite. It was all girls in one room, all boys in another room, and our advisor in her own room. I definately reccomend the Residents Inn for anyone who is traveling and staying over night in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first day, after we dropped off our stuff, we heading to Michigan Union. Michigan Union is the main building of University of Michigan and it held most of the events for the weekend. We went there and got ourselves registered and what not. Once we did that we walked around and got some thing to eat. The food at the place we ate at was CRAZY expensive....but good. THEY HAD A GRAPE CHANDILIER!!!! It was amazing! Once we ate we dropped our stuff off at the van then headed to a club that was around the corner for a rave. THAT was also amazing. Even if it was too dark for me to see a thing! lol i danced with my friends from club and i held onto a rail that marked off the dance floor since i couldnt see. I didnt want to dance and end up in the middle of the floor or something away from everyone then not be able to see my way back. we were there til like 1 am or a little after. most of us fell asleep once we got to the hotel which was close to 2 am if it wasnt 2 am. We tried discussing our agenda for that day(since it was past 12 am it was saturday). I followed jordy around since her and i have similar interest. we went to a workshop that revolved around stereotypes which was pretty interesting. they also talked a lot about icons. like gay icons. i liked the u-haul thing.i've never heard of it but i guess on the 2nd date a lesbian brings a u-haul to the date and they move in or something along those lines.lol im not entirely sure.i kept getting drowsy. Then we went to a gender queer one and that was AMAZING! Then we went to a hospitality room. i think i have those three in the wrong order....i think we went to the hospitality room first before the workshops....ANYWAY....we met the coolest people ever!the people there were so nice!there was a guy named Jay and he showed us a gender queer bathroom. MOST EPIC THING EVER! and he was soooo excited to show us! lol we tried getting a large group of people to play duck duck goose with us but it failed so we sat there and chilled and talked. then we WERE supposed to go to a vegitarian resturant with the club as a group but instead it failed and people went their own ways....as in our advisor and a couple other members were at the resturant and some of us were in other places. jordy, meg, jonnie, john, and i all ate in the basement of the Michigan Union building....IT WAS LIKE  A MALL FOOD COURT <3 it was another amazing thing on the trip. well jordy and meg and i took a bus to and from Michigan Union to drop off our stuff and head back....we had to RUN to go catch the bus before it left without us lol. Meg caught it for us and they had it wait a few mins for me to get on then we headed back to Michigan Building for the dance. We also watched a drag show and a fashion show. Jordy, Meg , Jay, Max, Troy, and I all played ninja too! lol it was amazing! THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER WON! the dance was great! Then the next morning my leg was hurting bad and it was sunday and it was the day we were leaving :( soo i had problems walking AND i was sad that we had to leave. Jordy and i got some breakfast at the Michigan Union building.i had a very unhealthy frozen yogurt and some juice and a really icky cappiccino.ickkkkkkkkk but instead of meeting up with everyone again, jordy helped me to the hill auditorium since my leg was hurting and it would've taken us longer to get to the auditorium if we would've waited. The ending ceremony was great! it made me sadder that we had to leave after that though. When we were driving home it was pretty quiet. most of us slept then others were up doing whatever they felt like. meg lost the gas cap for the van(we found this out when we were filling up for gas almost home). it was pretty funny lol. before that(sorry for jumping around) we went to a japanese market for dinner :) it was yummy! then we went home.

i seriously cant wait for the next one :)

click click BOOM!!!!

at this time i currently feel very lost.im not too sure what i want or what im going to do about this but its not a good thing at all....errrr sooo it seems at least.that LGTBQQ trip thats in Ann Arbor, Michigan is almost tomorrow.by that i mean its 1 hour and 30 mins short of being a day away.its kind of scary.i mean i AM excited since the last time i did travel with friends WAS for band in the 8th grade but that was also for a performance i was REALLY looking forward to.this is just a convention and im still not entirely sure what to expect from it.GAHHHH IM THINKING SO PESSIMISTICALLY!!!!WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!maybe its my nervousness talking?and everyone's like "dont be afraid.its gonna be ok!"....its like i wish i knew HOW to control how i feel right now instead of being all over the place.i decided it would be best to take the morning off from my classes tomorrow though so i can pack and get ready and what nots.its not like it'll take long im sure but i am an insomniac so i dont get much sleep(especially during times like this when i have more than mountains of stress about things) sooo i DO have to try to sleep and get as much of it as possible for friday so i get up and THEN i have to figure out if i am staying the night at johns house the day before the trip.im actually debating.if i go then i can/might have a freak out moment,jordy wouldnt have to come get me,and everyone would see how funny i sleep.if i dont jordy will be coming to get me and i can/might have a freak out moment.ohhh the FUN of anxiety.

oh well.onto better things!like how today i went out shopping with meg and jonnie and jonnie bought me a little green skirt :) i LOVE it(thank you jonnie) and i got to help me at salvation army.we hung out with Cayli and Alanna for a bit too until they had to leave.it was fun!hopefully things dont go down the drain this week :/ i think i should just get my kingdom hearts 2 game going as i do my laundry and wait for jordy to get on.ttyl!

think clever....

so my panic mode is down....as of now.the trip for michigan is STILL ON for this weekend.im nervous and excited at the same time.nervous because there is supposed to be a lot of people going to this thing and that makes me a little uncomfortable.excited because i get to leave and live a little.sounds pathetic i know but its true.sooo im also sorry i havent updated recently.i didnt get home til sunday night.i was gone friday-sunday night and i didnt have my laptop(i will on the trip for updates).im not sure if i mentioned this in my last blog but on friday i went to my friend johns house/apartment thing.i went for a group function thing for gsa even though it wasnt official.it was more of a hang out/social thing.it wasnt through the school.it was ok though.it got boring from time to time and it started getting really uncomfortable so im just going to go with ok.when that ended though i went over to my friend jonnies house and meg tagged along with us.we sat in the basement and talked for awhile then meg left when she was tired and i stayed the night.then later that day jonnie's dad took us out to lunch.pats diner is amazing and yummy <3.i LOVE their hamburgers.after that we went back to jonnies to get somethings then my house then went to megs house for another sleepover.that was AMAZING!!!!!though i think i annoy the crap out of her and i feel like im always in her personal  bubble....yet she says she doesnt have a personal bubble and doesnt care.i tend to disagree but maybe its just me.it probably is me but oh well.i'll eventually snap out of it.i dont want to say i think shes lying but i think shes hiding something.once again it MIGHT just be me.another meeting tomorrow and class and....the trip is this weekend.i gotta find my suitcase and do laundry and pack and what not.i hope this week comes and goes....AND I HOPE ITS WARM!!!!!!

rofl copter

my 31st blog :) that 50 is creepin up on me for sure.sooo im really really sorry i havent kept updated in awhile.ive been in crisis mode since last blog :x why?today is a rec night for gsa(rec night is basically game night) and im FREAKING OUT(again) about going.im not sure why they scare me so much but sadly they do.im in more of a freak out mode because i filled my gas tank on sat and im already low and the only place i drive to and from is school mon-thurs.its like wtf?!granted on thursdays i drive there and back because of how long my break is but still.im kinda freaking out because im supposed to go to this and cronies tonight but gas is my mortal enemy(as of lately at least) and it doesnt help that gas prices are being raised.at least i have meg today!but im going to have to tell my dad(again) that my car is low on gas.fml.he's not going to be a happy man once he hears this.then again gas prices are through the roof and im not getting as much as i have for gas.ehhhhh life succkkkkssss....as of now at least.at least week i will be in michigan fri-sun and so school and driving wont be too much of a concern.i hope things go good today at least!

:o] friends and family

wow mk i have SOOOO much to tell :) that dance i went to on saturday was by FAR the most amazing gsa event i've EVER attended!!!!!megan is HILARIOUS when she has alcohol in her system.its ok she's got her friends and family close to her x) lol i met some really awesome and amazing people and megan being there was even better!every one was hilarious and i was basically myself for the first time in a very long time :) it felt really nice to come out of my shell with people i hardly know(other than megan).gahh i want to do more events like that with them :) i feel bad i didnt sell the bracelets but i was really nervous and didnt know what to expect so i figured i wouldnt bother.i will sell them again or we can bring them to the gsa convention thats almost a week away and sell them there.it might work ya never know.

meg took lots of photos and hearing her "drunk" was pretty damn funny.we went to a gay bar and as we were leaving i reminded her to get her purse and check to make sure she had everything then i had her do a soberiety test lol she missed her nose the first time and it was hilarious!OH OH OH i saw her turn red!!!!!it was adorable!and we played the dating game with everyone who was at the dance before hand which was also hilarious!i cant remember the question but there was a question and someone's answer was "kill the bitch".lmao best thing ever!!and family and friends lol that was amazing too.that whole night in general was just amazing <3 im soooo happy i went!im glad meg went im glad i met a bunch of people and im VERY glad i had a blast!i want to be apart of spectrum a lot more now!but im gonna need the money for that!

i also mentioned to megs that i felt like a weirdo since i know her well.lol i feel like a creep.she's just been really open though and im really glad i can actually be myself around her and tell her things :)ehh maybe i am crazy.i really really really loved the comment that a lady mentioned last night too.meg was messing around with a stress ball in the shape of a heart and then i wanted to try and when i gave up i gave it back to her and the lady next to meg was like "awwww you gave her your heart" and i was like "well she had it first....errr i mean the stress ball thing first".lol it makes me question things now XD or maybe im thinking too much.i changed my facebook profile(not blog page but personal page) to a picture i absolutely LOVE of meg and i.i give jordy credit.she might be right but im also not that sure i wanna know.ehh only time shall tell :)

wish me luck :X

ughh so week has been eventful in a bad way :/ lots of snow.my car getting stuck.a dance and a gsa gathering.a french test and a math test and a paper due in english.lol its a lot but i think the ONLY good day so far has been my thursday with jordy.that girl can really make me laugh.friday was great to the most part except when it turned 4.it all just seem to fall apart for me then.why? because we had a gsa event i wasnt very thrilled for or prepared for.my fear of people got in the way big time.ughh it was terrible.i was too afraid to speak or be around anyone AND on the way there with jordy meg jonnie and alexa i just bawling uncontrollably.i felt TERRIBLE that i was just bawling even if it was for an understandable reason.im glad jordy meg alexa and jonnie were at least concerened and trying to make me feel better.it was hard to do aynything yesterday honestly.i still feel bad that i bawled.i know i had a reason but still.i wish it never happened.well i get to go to a dance today which i am excited for but nervous at the same time.im more nervous and afraid than actually excited.i never met any of them but meg says they're good people and i have no reason to doubt her word.im supposed to go to sell bracelets for club.i havent figured out how im gonna go sell bracelets and not freak out.i kinda wanna have fun but idk if id get comfortable enough to do that.im kinda wondering if i can just return them and say i wasnt comfortable selling them which i kinda am not comfortable doing so.selling the bracelets tonight that is.ehhh maybe i should talk to jordy about it.im really just hoping that things will be ok tonight.thats all im really asking for.it doesnt have to be big and fancy or anything i just want a nice night.plus if i sell remaining bracelets what do i do with the tub and any money i have from sales?ughhh....maybe i can hand them to meg on monday or something and she can sell them at spectrum.she knows them there so she might be better at it lol

genie in a bottle....

sooo i wrote a blog earlier this morning that took me 3 hours to write.im not sure if im gonna post it or not since its really really long.i might end up doing it this weekend if i have the time.its random and its just all the things currently on my mind.

whats on savvy's mind as of now:
-v-day(strange)
-paper
-band
-my thing with jordy
-getting bracelets
-the team buidling thing
-the lgtb conference
-school
-dance
-my nieces 5th birthday
-my friends 19th birthday
-the vagina monologue meeting


is that it?it doesnt feel like it....oh i know!how bout the fact i ACTUALLY just opened up to someone and i almost cried?!most amazing thing ever.it feels like a bunch of weight is off my shoulders!will i open up more?maybe.i think im starting to.im wishing for a LOT right now.i'd love to trade for a few months or something so i wasnt wishing for anything.or at LEAST have some courage :/ gahhhh life just sucks.maybe its just the month that sucks.idk anymore :p

plan b....crude humor NOT suggested....personal problems are involved

GAAAHHHHHHHHH ADSKJFAJFKLAHEDSNF JAKLDXH FASKJLHGDFKJLAJ FUDKJAOKJLHFDIOKLJAGFIOAK;LDSHFNADFHIJOADKLJFAH; <--------word vomit.ok ok ok ok i really just need to BREATHE!!!!!-takes deep deep breaths- yeah not working....plan b) freak out til its gone.PLAN B IS A GO!I REPEAT PLAN B IS A GO!!!!gahhh ok so im freaking out BECAUSE on friday(yes THIS friday) is a team building event for the gsa club im in.it is this friday february 11th at 5 pm.why am i freaking out?to most of you this sounds like nothing.it sounds just like a regular get-together with some people from a club to work on team building.it is a get together and it is for team building BUT im freaked out because of a fear i have.well technically two will be coming into play on friday.fear 1 is my EXTREME fear of people.i have this fear for personal personal reasons that might get hard to understand.if i grew up with you or have known you for awhile you dont classify under my fear.the rest of you sorry to say im basically piss my pants afraid of you.fear number 2 is the fear of eating in front of people.thats  a stranger fear i know but i have it.i have it just based on growing up and having people watch me eat and just staring at me eat whether it was a lot or a little and the same people making sassy remarks about my eating.i never liked it and i quit trying to do something about it because it only helped the situation get worse.i basically got to the point where i was done trying and just said fuck it.it got to the point where i went to school and ate nothing or i ate very little of my meals.there were days i do admit where i "pigged out" at lunch because i was STARVING then i would kinda look in the mirror and ask why i did it.its all over now but it was back then.but what people used to do to me is the reason why i eat in bathrooms,or eat in my bedroom,or am hesitant about how much food im getting at a place when im the one ordering.people you'd really be surprised what words can do to a person.words do and can hurt, they CAN leave scars, and they CAN cause someone who once thought they were beautiful to look at themselves everyday and just feel hideous.i mean ive lost 30 lbs and i still feel like the ugliest thing thats ever roamed the earth because of what people did to me.i realise that once this blog gets out im prolly gonna be answering a lot of questions from people but like i said its all in the past.i dont have the highest self esteem about myself and i really do thing im ugly but eventually it will all change in time....i will be happy and normal i guess.

btw i  AM GOING to this gsa event friday(obviously) but i wasnt sure if i stated in an earlier blog if i was or wasnt going.im not all the happy/stoked about it but im going and if anything i'll sit back and watch.i cant promise to participate.

and as for the trip thats in almost 2 weeks....nerves still arent thrilled about that one either.

my heart and brain are so torn....that my realistic dreams have become nightmares

so much on my mind its basically killing me.its just insane!!!!have you ever been sleep deprived because there was so much on your mind that you thought your head was going to explode?!yeah thats currently my case.on a school night(for two reasons) i pulled an all nighter.i stayed up did/finished my gift wrapping for my friends birthday vented to the same friend about crap going on and about somethings i've been holding in for a long time.i opened up though.it makes me feel accomplished in a way because its a start to something.hopefuly its the start to something good.i can only hope :) as for what i talked about?im not sharing that....at least not yet.its just too personal.my friend stephanie has been on my mind all day.im so sad that shes gone but i also understand her reasoning as to why she's leaving.things will get better for everyone and she'll find a good guy to settle down with.maybe not right now but in time at least.as i said before im sleep deprived so im going to be extremely random.last night when i found out stephanie was leaving i was heart broken and i said my goodbyes to her at my other friend sara's house.she's my best friend and im not going to let her drop off the face of the earth again.oh oh oh oh oh!!!!today is my friend jordy's birthday.she wishes to skip her birthday though.im kinda hoping that she likes what i have to give her for her birthday.if she doesnt its ok.im also afraid that her and i are gonna have to deal with a  lot of crap today.if thats how its gonna be it makes me nervous and what not.i really dont need any crap.i got birthdays and school to worry about PLUS getting over the fact my best friend has just left.errr one of my best friends at least.its not like she's dead or anything but she's in another state so i wont get to see her when i wanna or anything.she wont be able to come to my house to swim.and all that other stuff.i know shes strong though and she'll do ok down there.i know she'll make it and hopefully be ok since shes a clutz.im also hoping my tear ducts are all dried up.i've been crying a lot since i left saras house.its all just rawrrr....no one seems to be having a good week this week :( im worried more that this whole month will make things fall apart for me.like life wise february has to  be the most busiest month for me to endure.just soo much goes on especially this year since im going on that trip with my GSA club.that trip still makes me a little uneasy but i think i'll live....or manage....one of the two lol.while on the topic of GSA my mom told me that her and i were invited to a valentines day dance this saturday at LGTB spectrum of rockford.it makes me excited.they asked me to sell bracelets for club during the dance which works on my behalf since i more than likely wont have a date to escort or vise versa.ehh just screw valentines day in general lol.im not personally a big fan of the holiday.i never have been and people act as if its a crazy thing or something.a lot of people gasp when i tell them valentines day can drop off the face of the earth.its my opinion honestly and i have nothing against people who like or celebrate the holiday.i just want no part in it.omg btw my niece is turning 5 YEARS OLD this weekend!!!!!OMG SHES GETTING SOOOOO FREAKING BIG <3 shes still going to be my turtle :) hopefully when she turns 5 everything slows down a bit.i want and dont want a fast year this year.i dont want it to go fast because i want to take all the time in the world discovering myself and breaking down my barriers.i want it to go fast because if any drama or fight or anything else thats just not worth the energy in my book it can ALL just whip past my face in the blink of an eye and i can forgive,forget,and move on.mixed feelings are just a wonderful thing.ughhh i wish.and lately thats all ive been having are mixed feelings and mainly about myself.i hate questioning myself and my life and what i do and i do it ALL THE TIME....its like a never ending cycle of changing.i think i personally do it to please people.i also think that growing up and being put throw all the crap i've gone through i've never really tried finding myself.im not sure but its about time i start letting some of my trapped self out of the cage and become more free....yet at the same time it all sounds so unrealistic....oh my heart....and oh my brain....both of you stop being so torn and work together.im tired of being lost and confused with no light at the end of the tunnel.its really about time something changed <3

wheres the fast forward button?

wow.a lot to swallow right now.everything seems to be so hard....and complicated.are people making things harder than they need to be?or are they getting curve balls thrown at them they cant dodge?its all just something id much rather miss.something that makes me wish i was younger and there werent any problems.when i wasnt able to understand just about everything that was going on whether i was told or not.i dont really want things easy.maybe just more simpler....or stress free?i wish for all sorts of things.i feel crazy.i feel crazier that i dont wish anything for myself.i dont like being selfish or mean.i know i can sound selfish and i can be mean but i dont like it.i dont like the fighting,the argueing,the back stabbing, the name calling,....i dont like any of it.i dont like losing people very close to me either :( i found out today that one of my best friends i've known since 5th grade....is leaving.i understand her reasons why and no matter what she's gonna always be like a sister to me and im always gonna love her.i wish she didnt have to go through what shes going through.she doesnt deserve it.she needs to be happy.THATS what she deserves.she deserves the absolute best and so does my other sister i've known since 3rd grade.they both mean the world to me and to watch either of them leave me and to see them both hurting makes me so sad :( i know im gonna keep them in my life as best i can.now and forever they shall be my unbiological sisters <3 i shall always love them and i shall always be there for them.i wish i was able to not let anything hurt them but i've failed at that.soo much going on....its all just swarming my head and i feel like im drowning.i sound pathetic but im upset.im upset and lost and just not sure what to do anymore.

stephanie hamlin and sara fletcher this blog is dedicated to you both.
i love you girls <3 thank you for everything.im always gonna be here for you both.

sleep overs and busy bees

gahhhhh that sleepover was AMAZING!lol it has to be the best one i've EVER had!truth or dare while we're half asleep,doing make up,doing hair, etc.it all was just amazing!oh wii bowling and doing excersises?!lol just epic in general!meg and jordan i cant thank enough for being apart of it :) and i cant thank luke enough for coming over lol.then last night we all went to karaoke!it all was so fun.btw meg if you ever read this lol THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC <3 its amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and jordy i love waking up to THE GAME every morning lol.oh oh oh whats also great is i only had school on monday this week :) the rest of my school week(tues-thurs) was cancelled.gahh im just really really really happy right now :) february is gonna be a busy busy month.lets see remaining events?

feb 7th-jordys birthday,gsa meeting from 2-4 pm.
feb7th-10th-class
feb 11th-sara's birthday
feb 12th-my nieces birthday
feb 13th-vagina monologues meeting.
feb 14th-valentines day(gross)
feb 14th-17th-class
feb 21st-24th-class
feb 24th-pack for LGTB trip
feb 25th-27th-LGTB confrence
feb 25th- we leave for the LGTB trip
feb 27th-we come back lol

soooo busy xD lol ohh wells.it all is worth it in the end(so i hope at least)

the sleep over!!!!

sooo its past midnight and i, of course, have things on my mind. my friends and i wanted a sleep over then things went all hay wire.but things are better but the sleep over is now at my place.we will be having one person who isnt staying the night because its a school night though.oh well the more the merrier.as of now though jordy is the only one with permission to be at my house.im sure my parents wont care at all if have a friend come hang and another friend stay the night.now the other person whos staying the night i've mentioned in a previous blog.the one really amazing gal?yeah well maybe my mind is becoming over stimulated about this but im really really worried that my dad specifically wont let her stay the night because she's trans.then again they know im going to that LGTB confrence this month and know imma room with her so i dont see why its a problem.ehhh like i said i could be over thinking things.i just worry that the people i know wont accept her and i really dont see why :( she's just amazing.so what if she is trans?she's as much of a girl as i am.it doesnt bother me at all to those who think it should.like really she's amazing and funny and a really really great person once you know her.as for the other kid who's just coming over to hang im sure its fine if he hangs.hopefully the roads are better :/ i hope things dont go down the drain today either.i would like just one good day.lately they've all been crappy.

oh oh oh i also think i have a date saturday.im not sure if its an official date or not though.im still excited none the less :) about today friday and saturday.im just trying to stay as optimistic as possible.im happy things got worked out between me and some people today and all the things that we fought about are gone.gahhh just excited and nervous.butterflies are in my stomach :) the good kind at least.i know i gotta clean my room and kitchen before people come over though.that doesnt bother me.lets hope daddy says yes :)

people are really starting to not surprise me

ok let me start by saying this.my blog site is for venting and getting things off my chest.im not full of myself, im not a bitch, and i realize there are more important things in the world.im not selfish.im sick of people judging me without getting to know me.im a person i have feelings and you certainly dont get yourself or comment on something you know nothing about.its not any ones place.if im mad im mad.theres this thing in life called respect.learn it live it love it.to people who read my blogs and ARENT close friends or relatives you have no idea what shit i go through on a day to day basis.i hardly ever open my mouth when i have a problem because i feel selfish.i know that there are people dying of starvation and people living on the streets.I GET THAT PEOPLE HAVE WORSE OFF THAN ME!!!!really im not that stupid to not see it.i help people on a day to day basis.you dont have to respect my views or how i act or who i hang out with but its not going to change for anyone who doesnt like it.i dont take crap from anyone and thats the fucking truth.i hold in a lot and most people wouldnt even guess that i do.im not a fake im real and tell it how it fucking is.believe me or not im a lot smarter than i come off to be.go ahead and judge me because you obviously dont know me.if you did know me you'd know that i really dont give a damn if im judged or hated.haters gonna hate.either way the point is nothing is going to change.im not going to purposely change what i write in my blogs because people dont like it.its life.you dont like half the things life throughs at you.im also no pathetic cry baby.i dont want any ones sympathy or help.im strong enough to handle it on my own.but think what you want but nothing is changing and you dont have to like my blogs.dont like them?dont read them.theres a smart solution.thanks for your time.