genie in a bottle....

sooo i wrote a blog earlier this morning that took me 3 hours to write.im not sure if im gonna post it or not since its really really long.i might end up doing it this weekend if i have the time.its random and its just all the things currently on my mind.

whats on savvy's mind as of now:
-v-day(strange)
-paper
-band
-my thing with jordy
-getting bracelets
-the team buidling thing
-the lgtb conference
-school
-dance
-my nieces 5th birthday
-my friends 19th birthday
-the vagina monologue meeting


is that it?it doesnt feel like it....oh i know!how bout the fact i ACTUALLY just opened up to someone and i almost cried?!most amazing thing ever.it feels like a bunch of weight is off my shoulders!will i open up more?maybe.i think im starting to.im wishing for a LOT right now.i'd love to trade for a few months or something so i wasnt wishing for anything.or at LEAST have some courage :/ gahhhh life just sucks.maybe its just the month that sucks.idk anymore :p

plan b....crude humor NOT suggested....personal problems are involved

GAAAHHHHHHHHH ADSKJFAJFKLAHEDSNF JAKLDXH FASKJLHGDFKJLAJ FUDKJAOKJLHFDIOKLJAGFIOAK;LDSHFNADFHIJOADKLJFAH; <--------word vomit.ok ok ok ok i really just need to BREATHE!!!!!-takes deep deep breaths- yeah not working....plan b) freak out til its gone.PLAN B IS A GO!I REPEAT PLAN B IS A GO!!!!gahhh ok so im freaking out BECAUSE on friday(yes THIS friday) is a team building event for the gsa club im in.it is this friday february 11th at 5 pm.why am i freaking out?to most of you this sounds like nothing.it sounds just like a regular get-together with some people from a club to work on team building.it is a get together and it is for team building BUT im freaked out because of a fear i have.well technically two will be coming into play on friday.fear 1 is my EXTREME fear of people.i have this fear for personal personal reasons that might get hard to understand.if i grew up with you or have known you for awhile you dont classify under my fear.the rest of you sorry to say im basically piss my pants afraid of you.fear number 2 is the fear of eating in front of people.thats  a stranger fear i know but i have it.i have it just based on growing up and having people watch me eat and just staring at me eat whether it was a lot or a little and the same people making sassy remarks about my eating.i never liked it and i quit trying to do something about it because it only helped the situation get worse.i basically got to the point where i was done trying and just said fuck it.it got to the point where i went to school and ate nothing or i ate very little of my meals.there were days i do admit where i "pigged out" at lunch because i was STARVING then i would kinda look in the mirror and ask why i did it.its all over now but it was back then.but what people used to do to me is the reason why i eat in bathrooms,or eat in my bedroom,or am hesitant about how much food im getting at a place when im the one ordering.people you'd really be surprised what words can do to a person.words do and can hurt, they CAN leave scars, and they CAN cause someone who once thought they were beautiful to look at themselves everyday and just feel hideous.i mean ive lost 30 lbs and i still feel like the ugliest thing thats ever roamed the earth because of what people did to me.i realise that once this blog gets out im prolly gonna be answering a lot of questions from people but like i said its all in the past.i dont have the highest self esteem about myself and i really do thing im ugly but eventually it will all change in time....i will be happy and normal i guess.

btw i  AM GOING to this gsa event friday(obviously) but i wasnt sure if i stated in an earlier blog if i was or wasnt going.im not all the happy/stoked about it but im going and if anything i'll sit back and watch.i cant promise to participate.

and as for the trip thats in almost 2 weeks....nerves still arent thrilled about that one either.

my heart and brain are so torn....that my realistic dreams have become nightmares

so much on my mind its basically killing me.its just insane!!!!have you ever been sleep deprived because there was so much on your mind that you thought your head was going to explode?!yeah thats currently my case.on a school night(for two reasons) i pulled an all nighter.i stayed up did/finished my gift wrapping for my friends birthday vented to the same friend about crap going on and about somethings i've been holding in for a long time.i opened up though.it makes me feel accomplished in a way because its a start to something.hopefuly its the start to something good.i can only hope :) as for what i talked about?im not sharing that....at least not yet.its just too personal.my friend stephanie has been on my mind all day.im so sad that shes gone but i also understand her reasoning as to why she's leaving.things will get better for everyone and she'll find a good guy to settle down with.maybe not right now but in time at least.as i said before im sleep deprived so im going to be extremely random.last night when i found out stephanie was leaving i was heart broken and i said my goodbyes to her at my other friend sara's house.she's my best friend and im not going to let her drop off the face of the earth again.oh oh oh oh oh!!!!today is my friend jordy's birthday.she wishes to skip her birthday though.im kinda hoping that she likes what i have to give her for her birthday.if she doesnt its ok.im also afraid that her and i are gonna have to deal with a  lot of crap today.if thats how its gonna be it makes me nervous and what not.i really dont need any crap.i got birthdays and school to worry about PLUS getting over the fact my best friend has just left.errr one of my best friends at least.its not like she's dead or anything but she's in another state so i wont get to see her when i wanna or anything.she wont be able to come to my house to swim.and all that other stuff.i know shes strong though and she'll do ok down there.i know she'll make it and hopefully be ok since shes a clutz.im also hoping my tear ducts are all dried up.i've been crying a lot since i left saras house.its all just rawrrr....no one seems to be having a good week this week :( im worried more that this whole month will make things fall apart for me.like life wise february has to  be the most busiest month for me to endure.just soo much goes on especially this year since im going on that trip with my GSA club.that trip still makes me a little uneasy but i think i'll live....or manage....one of the two lol.while on the topic of GSA my mom told me that her and i were invited to a valentines day dance this saturday at LGTB spectrum of rockford.it makes me excited.they asked me to sell bracelets for club during the dance which works on my behalf since i more than likely wont have a date to escort or vise versa.ehh just screw valentines day in general lol.im not personally a big fan of the holiday.i never have been and people act as if its a crazy thing or something.a lot of people gasp when i tell them valentines day can drop off the face of the earth.its my opinion honestly and i have nothing against people who like or celebrate the holiday.i just want no part in it.omg btw my niece is turning 5 YEARS OLD this weekend!!!!!OMG SHES GETTING SOOOOO FREAKING BIG <3 shes still going to be my turtle :) hopefully when she turns 5 everything slows down a bit.i want and dont want a fast year this year.i dont want it to go fast because i want to take all the time in the world discovering myself and breaking down my barriers.i want it to go fast because if any drama or fight or anything else thats just not worth the energy in my book it can ALL just whip past my face in the blink of an eye and i can forgive,forget,and move on.mixed feelings are just a wonderful thing.ughhh i wish.and lately thats all ive been having are mixed feelings and mainly about myself.i hate questioning myself and my life and what i do and i do it ALL THE TIME....its like a never ending cycle of changing.i think i personally do it to please people.i also think that growing up and being put throw all the crap i've gone through i've never really tried finding myself.im not sure but its about time i start letting some of my trapped self out of the cage and become more free....yet at the same time it all sounds so unrealistic....oh my heart....and oh my brain....both of you stop being so torn and work together.im tired of being lost and confused with no light at the end of the tunnel.its really about time something changed <3

wheres the fast forward button?

wow.a lot to swallow right now.everything seems to be so hard....and complicated.are people making things harder than they need to be?or are they getting curve balls thrown at them they cant dodge?its all just something id much rather miss.something that makes me wish i was younger and there werent any problems.when i wasnt able to understand just about everything that was going on whether i was told or not.i dont really want things easy.maybe just more simpler....or stress free?i wish for all sorts of things.i feel crazy.i feel crazier that i dont wish anything for myself.i dont like being selfish or mean.i know i can sound selfish and i can be mean but i dont like it.i dont like the fighting,the argueing,the back stabbing, the name calling,....i dont like any of it.i dont like losing people very close to me either :( i found out today that one of my best friends i've known since 5th grade....is leaving.i understand her reasons why and no matter what she's gonna always be like a sister to me and im always gonna love her.i wish she didnt have to go through what shes going through.she doesnt deserve it.she needs to be happy.THATS what she deserves.she deserves the absolute best and so does my other sister i've known since 3rd grade.they both mean the world to me and to watch either of them leave me and to see them both hurting makes me so sad :( i know im gonna keep them in my life as best i can.now and forever they shall be my unbiological sisters <3 i shall always love them and i shall always be there for them.i wish i was able to not let anything hurt them but i've failed at that.soo much going on....its all just swarming my head and i feel like im drowning.i sound pathetic but im upset.im upset and lost and just not sure what to do anymore.

stephanie hamlin and sara fletcher this blog is dedicated to you both.
i love you girls <3 thank you for everything.im always gonna be here for you both.

sleep overs and busy bees

gahhhhh that sleepover was AMAZING!lol it has to be the best one i've EVER had!truth or dare while we're half asleep,doing make up,doing hair, etc.it all was just amazing!oh wii bowling and doing excersises?!lol just epic in general!meg and jordan i cant thank enough for being apart of it :) and i cant thank luke enough for coming over lol.then last night we all went to karaoke!it all was so fun.btw meg if you ever read this lol THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC <3 its amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and jordy i love waking up to THE GAME every morning lol.oh oh oh whats also great is i only had school on monday this week :) the rest of my school week(tues-thurs) was cancelled.gahh im just really really really happy right now :) february is gonna be a busy busy month.lets see remaining events?

feb 7th-jordys birthday,gsa meeting from 2-4 pm.
feb7th-10th-class
feb 11th-sara's birthday
feb 12th-my nieces birthday
feb 13th-vagina monologues meeting.
feb 14th-valentines day(gross)
feb 14th-17th-class
feb 21st-24th-class
feb 24th-pack for LGTB trip
feb 25th-27th-LGTB confrence
feb 25th- we leave for the LGTB trip
feb 27th-we come back lol

soooo busy xD lol ohh wells.it all is worth it in the end(so i hope at least)

the sleep over!!!!

sooo its past midnight and i, of course, have things on my mind. my friends and i wanted a sleep over then things went all hay wire.but things are better but the sleep over is now at my place.we will be having one person who isnt staying the night because its a school night though.oh well the more the merrier.as of now though jordy is the only one with permission to be at my house.im sure my parents wont care at all if have a friend come hang and another friend stay the night.now the other person whos staying the night i've mentioned in a previous blog.the one really amazing gal?yeah well maybe my mind is becoming over stimulated about this but im really really worried that my dad specifically wont let her stay the night because she's trans.then again they know im going to that LGTB confrence this month and know imma room with her so i dont see why its a problem.ehhh like i said i could be over thinking things.i just worry that the people i know wont accept her and i really dont see why :( she's just amazing.so what if she is trans?she's as much of a girl as i am.it doesnt bother me at all to those who think it should.like really she's amazing and funny and a really really great person once you know her.as for the other kid who's just coming over to hang im sure its fine if he hangs.hopefully the roads are better :/ i hope things dont go down the drain today either.i would like just one good day.lately they've all been crappy.

oh oh oh i also think i have a date saturday.im not sure if its an official date or not though.im still excited none the less :) about today friday and saturday.im just trying to stay as optimistic as possible.im happy things got worked out between me and some people today and all the things that we fought about are gone.gahhh just excited and nervous.butterflies are in my stomach :) the good kind at least.i know i gotta clean my room and kitchen before people come over though.that doesnt bother me.lets hope daddy says yes :)

people are really starting to not surprise me

ok let me start by saying this.my blog site is for venting and getting things off my chest.im not full of myself, im not a bitch, and i realize there are more important things in the world.im not selfish.im sick of people judging me without getting to know me.im a person i have feelings and you certainly dont get yourself or comment on something you know nothing about.its not any ones place.if im mad im mad.theres this thing in life called respect.learn it live it love it.to people who read my blogs and ARENT close friends or relatives you have no idea what shit i go through on a day to day basis.i hardly ever open my mouth when i have a problem because i feel selfish.i know that there are people dying of starvation and people living on the streets.I GET THAT PEOPLE HAVE WORSE OFF THAN ME!!!!really im not that stupid to not see it.i help people on a day to day basis.you dont have to respect my views or how i act or who i hang out with but its not going to change for anyone who doesnt like it.i dont take crap from anyone and thats the fucking truth.i hold in a lot and most people wouldnt even guess that i do.im not a fake im real and tell it how it fucking is.believe me or not im a lot smarter than i come off to be.go ahead and judge me because you obviously dont know me.if you did know me you'd know that i really dont give a damn if im judged or hated.haters gonna hate.either way the point is nothing is going to change.im not going to purposely change what i write in my blogs because people dont like it.its life.you dont like half the things life throughs at you.im also no pathetic cry baby.i dont want any ones sympathy or help.im strong enough to handle it on my own.but think what you want but nothing is changing and you dont have to like my blogs.dont like them?dont read them.theres a smart solution.thanks for your time.