post prom nightmares

soooo i pretty much have a horse load of crap of my mind =__=' and what makes it worse is that i have to re-live my terrible prom night memories because of all this prom talk of yesterday!i hated prom,its over rated,and if it WASNT for my bf at the time i WOULDNT have gone.i WISH i wouldn't have gone.how my proms turned out was terrible and i hated them both and i REGRET ever going.needless to say not EVERY persons prom was like mine but hearing all the good things about it make me wish that i never gone and that i never had to experience the things i had to.

however i have better memories than my prom night now :) i have the memories of coming out,of dating my girlfriend,of the new friends i made in gsa AND at the MBLGTACC conference....and maybe even some more friends when i start school at regency :)

im also selling stuff on ebay cause i need some money D: i havent quite figured it out yet and im right now too tired to focus but i'll eventually get it.i have LOTS of stuff :)

getting unstuck

im definately falling behind on things -__-' my bad....LOTS has been going on that i myself cant even keep track of this madness! ITS FLYING OFF THE HANDLE!!!!!i feel sick i feel stressed i feel moody i feel this i feel that....i feel i feel i feel....i feel lost.i feel like im losing my grip on life on reality on my hopes and dreams.i feel like a failure.i feel like a bum.i feel like im never good enough.but i also never want any of this to escape.i never want to tell someone.i never want to just go out and get help from someone.i never want to go do something and worry about the consequences later.i never want to tell someone how i feel because im tired of being shut down.im tired of feeling.im tired of being lost.im tired of being stuck and it NEVER seems like i can get unstuck.it seems like i can move a little bit but not go anywhere.i feel like a hamster on a wheel that just keeps running and running without stopping, unable to stop!i feel like im sinking in quick sand and its just pulling me in deeper and deeper.i cant ever fight this because i cant ever win.

my biggest fear?  coming out to my family as who i am.....who i feel i am....who i'd like to live my life as.....

im transgender.i came out in april as Nikkalous.i havent started treatment or anything but i'd like to.i'd like to have the support and the back up and the protection so i know if i come out as Nikkalous and something backfires you have my back.i have your support.i have your love and care and compassion.you dont have to understand and you dont have to even like it or agree....but even the slightest bit of support without pointing fingers to my girlfriend would be astounding as the first step in this long process.i cant keep turning my back to people and i cant keep turning away from my fears....somethings gotta change and something is gonna give....where i make it give or not.

hope came knocking :)

GAHHHHHHHHHH i have not made a blog in FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!my sincerest apologies :( a lot has come about recently that has prevented me of blogging.

instead of giving you the scoop of that though i have something else to tell you....

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY :) and it totally made my day on sunday when i got the call for the interview.i was going to give up ever finding a job since most places have already rejected me :/ i had the interview at dollar tree for a part time position.its at LEAST a job and i'll take what i can get :)

for any of you that have seen 102 dalmations i was thinking of that once i got my call :) im really hoping for the best <3

time wrap to my past O_o

i went to karaoke :) it was amazing!!!!

onto the REALbusiness....i was on twitter today(im normally not)and i found some PRETTY interesting things....like that i haven't updated a tweet in two months(up until yesterday).i decided to take the time to look upon what i HAVE tweeted in the past.it came to my attention i made the twitter account after 5-6 months of dating one of my ex's to use as a place and way to vent because his family and friends of ours could've seen my facebook and told what i was saying on facebook to him to make my relationship more miserable than it already was.basically meaning that twitter was ONLY used at the time to help me vent about my crappy relationship and it was a place him,his family,or his friends(or my friends that he knew) knew about....which therefore means that they couldnt repeat anything i was saying on twitter to him and he couldnt yell at me or freak out or something....or my friends couldnt freak out on him then have him freak out on me for them freaking out on him....

am i making ANY sense?

if im not im EXTREMELY sorry....im really hyper.

but after reading ALL THOSE TWEETS i kind of wish i would've talked to somebody or gotten help or SOMETHING instead of spending almost 2 years with someone who treated me like sh*t.the majority of them were deleted.i at LEAST saw my relationship heading for disaster at some point(from what i saw in my tweets).i think i was in it for so long was because i was scared or something.it WAS a crappy relationship.it makes me ponder what was going on in my head at the time....because i kept going back to him.i kept getting hurt and treated like crap.the majority of that was repressed until i read those tweets....now it just doesnt leave me alone.

at some point it will....until then....sleep is what needs to be dealt with

300+

sooo yes....today was definately something i could put down in the "weird" book.i'm not exactly sure WHAT happened or what is going on i could just tell you that it was weird....well at least the end part of my day was.see yesterday i went to Oregon, IL with my girlfriend to go to a friends house to work on boxes for our GSA club.Before we actually got ANY work done we went to play basketball at a park nearby.we played H-O-R-S-E which was fun :) we all kind of failed though.ok so AFTER we got done playing horse we went to my friends house to work on the boxes.the boxes were the "help me" box, the "awesome" box, and the "opinion" box.they're supposed to help our club out since drama and what not has been going on.i missed wednesdays meeting(03/09/11) because i was sick and not feeling well and i guess i missed a lot.i was actually QUITE surprised to what i found out on monday.i dont think i should repeat on here because i dont think thats right but i DO know that its all very surprising.it was a weird way to start off spring break.AT LEAST i got better so i could do something over break....im totally jumping everywhere again....GAHHHH sorry just a LOT on my mind.

ok so im going to jump to something last minute.i have a few things left to say before i go.

1)for ANYONE that hasn't heard whats been going on in japan....there was a really really bad massive earthquake.no matter where you are from you should care about this.a LOT of people lost stuff.i heard Sandra Bullock donated $1,000,000 to help people in japan.is that right?bless her heart <3 she's definately some one i look up to as a role model.anyway....i think no matter where you are you should donate something to people in japan.they need the help.

2)random but....i've lived out one of my dreams today.i got a stuffed(aka plush) dinosaur when i was hanging with my friends and girlfriend.i've named him Bentley.

3)there is ALWAYS someone who cares about you.(another random thing but i'll eventually explain if i remember)

4)i've found out that since i've started blogging almost 300 people have been reading my blogs from all over the world <3 THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READS MY BLOGS <3 <3 <3 <3 you have no idea how much it means to me :)

5)i want EVERYONE who reads my blogs to do me a HUGE HUGE HUGE favor <3
please "like" my page on facebook(if you have a facebook)

page link---------> http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Savvys-blog-channel/127416620662560

and/or write me an email telling me your thoughts,opinions,what you would like me to talk about,etc.
email---------> savvyperrin928@yahoo.com

please and thank you :)

bye guys <3

bullsh*t cookies O_o

ok soooooo....i KNOW i havent posted a blog in a long while.i apologize O_o i've been EXTREMELY busy....which surprises me cause i didn't think i'd be as busy as i have been.since the trip a LOT has been going on.i lost a "friend" recently.its nothing im upset about but the reasoning behind it is DEFINATELY stupid as hell.i wont get into it but once again....im not upset.its no skin off my nose.and i dont doubt that it makes me sound like some sort of bitch or something but its not the first time this has happened.will this "friend" keep their word on not wanting to speak with me again?no idea.but im free of this persons drama and bullshit and im quite happy with this.sorry if i sound like a bitch but im not going to sugar coat this.drama seeking people wo CONSTANTLY use the "im going to kill myself" card because shit in their life is not going their way is STUPID and RIDICULOUS and SOMETHING YOU DO NOT KEEP SAYING NOR DO YOU EVEN SAY IN A JOKING MANNER!!!!!you REALLY think no one cares?you really think ending your life is going to solve ANYTHING?!well guess what?it doesnt.its a selfish act that hurts everyone who loves and cares about you.there is always SOMEONE who cares about you.i dont like it when people joke around about it.

ok so happier notes :)

i have a girlfriend <3 i am VERY happy about this and i loves her a lot!i've been staying the night at her house a lot recently hence the not many blogs being posted.sorry :) gosh i wish i could put into words my feelings for her.it might make me sound weird but i've liked her liked her for awhile but i was always so scared to tell her because i didnt wanna look weird or get shot down or something.i could talk about her all day if i really wanted to....that makes me sound weird though.im such a freak :o we've been dating for a little over a week though and i can say im happy.she makes me forget all the bad stuff that i've been through in the past and she cares.she really really cares.she makes me cry tears of happiness and she's just all around the most amazing girl ever <3 sorry babe but i have to cut this one short or its gonna be a longer blog than it needs to be :) love you!

ok soo i was sick.getting better though!it started monday and progressively got worse.it went from just my stomach hurting me to EVERYTHING hurting and some other things that i wont go into great detail on.it was NOT pleasant and as i think of it i probably could've writting a blog during the time i wasnt sleeping....oops!my bad....sorry....i probably should think more on these things....then again i WAS sick and my head WAS clouded./grrr face.

....i covered the girlie,being sick,being busy....OH i almost forgot a couple things!
1)panic at the disco(if ANYONE listens to them)they will be having a new c.d. coming out(not sure when).im SOOOOO freaking estatic about this!!!!I WANT IT SOOO BAD <3

2)my cousin has a shirt selling business.i probably should've mentioned this awhile back but it's slipped my mind.i will post the link of the store site online.he has really good shirts at really cheap prices :) i encourage all to go check it out!

ok so on THAT note....imma go make cookies now <3 bye!

MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN....the recap!!!!

sooo as most of you know i went to a LGTBQQ connfrence that was held in Ann Arbor, Michigan.IT WAS AMAZING <3 it makes you want to be proud of being yourself!and no it was not all LGTBQQ people.they did have straight people there and god bless those straight allies for attending and for their love and support :) to anyone who is reading/reads my blog thank you for your support!it means a lot that people read this!

ok so about the confrence....
it was a LTBGQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was actually called MBLGTACC 20ELEVEN to be precise.it was not simply just called the LGTBQQ confrence held in Ann Arbor.

MBLGTACC stands for: 
Midwest
Bi-sexual
Lesbian
Gay
Trans
Ally
College
Conference

it was held at the University of Michigan. Thank you University of Michigan for lending over the campus for an amazing weekend for LGTBQQA students. God i dont think ANYONE knows how much of a blast i had! I WANNA COME BACK <3 but the next one can only be better :) gosh im SOOOO excited for it! Ok im kind of off topic at the moment so lets go back ON topic. The trip was amazing and definately worth the long cramped car ride there and back. I felt sooo happy and accepted! When we got to Ann Arbor after FINALLY getting ourselves back on track, we dropped our stuff off at the Inn we stayed at. The Inn was REALLY nice. We stayed in a suite. It was all girls in one room, all boys in another room, and our advisor in her own room. I definately reccomend the Residents Inn for anyone who is traveling and staying over night in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first day, after we dropped off our stuff, we heading to Michigan Union. Michigan Union is the main building of University of Michigan and it held most of the events for the weekend. We went there and got ourselves registered and what not. Once we did that we walked around and got some thing to eat. The food at the place we ate at was CRAZY expensive....but good. THEY HAD A GRAPE CHANDILIER!!!! It was amazing! Once we ate we dropped our stuff off at the van then headed to a club that was around the corner for a rave. THAT was also amazing. Even if it was too dark for me to see a thing! lol i danced with my friends from club and i held onto a rail that marked off the dance floor since i couldnt see. I didnt want to dance and end up in the middle of the floor or something away from everyone then not be able to see my way back. we were there til like 1 am or a little after. most of us fell asleep once we got to the hotel which was close to 2 am if it wasnt 2 am. We tried discussing our agenda for that day(since it was past 12 am it was saturday). I followed jordy around since her and i have similar interest. we went to a workshop that revolved around stereotypes which was pretty interesting. they also talked a lot about icons. like gay icons. i liked the u-haul thing.i've never heard of it but i guess on the 2nd date a lesbian brings a u-haul to the date and they move in or something along those lines.lol im not entirely sure.i kept getting drowsy. Then we went to a gender queer one and that was AMAZING! Then we went to a hospitality room. i think i have those three in the wrong order....i think we went to the hospitality room first before the workshops....ANYWAY....we met the coolest people ever!the people there were so nice!there was a guy named Jay and he showed us a gender queer bathroom. MOST EPIC THING EVER! and he was soooo excited to show us! lol we tried getting a large group of people to play duck duck goose with us but it failed so we sat there and chilled and talked. then we WERE supposed to go to a vegitarian resturant with the club as a group but instead it failed and people went their own ways....as in our advisor and a couple other members were at the resturant and some of us were in other places. jordy, meg, jonnie, john, and i all ate in the basement of the Michigan Union building....IT WAS LIKE  A MALL FOOD COURT <3 it was another amazing thing on the trip. well jordy and meg and i took a bus to and from Michigan Union to drop off our stuff and head back....we had to RUN to go catch the bus before it left without us lol. Meg caught it for us and they had it wait a few mins for me to get on then we headed back to Michigan Building for the dance. We also watched a drag show and a fashion show. Jordy, Meg , Jay, Max, Troy, and I all played ninja too! lol it was amazing! THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER WON! the dance was great! Then the next morning my leg was hurting bad and it was sunday and it was the day we were leaving :( soo i had problems walking AND i was sad that we had to leave. Jordy and i got some breakfast at the Michigan Union building.i had a very unhealthy frozen yogurt and some juice and a really icky cappiccino.ickkkkkkkkk but instead of meeting up with everyone again, jordy helped me to the hill auditorium since my leg was hurting and it would've taken us longer to get to the auditorium if we would've waited. The ending ceremony was great! it made me sadder that we had to leave after that though. When we were driving home it was pretty quiet. most of us slept then others were up doing whatever they felt like. meg lost the gas cap for the van(we found this out when we were filling up for gas almost home). it was pretty funny lol. before that(sorry for jumping around) we went to a japanese market for dinner :) it was yummy! then we went home.

i seriously cant wait for the next one :)