post prom nightmares

soooo i pretty much have a horse load of crap of my mind =__=' and what makes it worse is that i have to re-live my terrible prom night memories because of all this prom talk of yesterday!i hated prom,its over rated,and if it WASNT for my bf at the time i WOULDNT have gone.i WISH i wouldn't have gone.how my proms turned out was terrible and i hated them both and i REGRET ever going.needless to say not EVERY persons prom was like mine but hearing all the good things about it make me wish that i never gone and that i never had to experience the things i had to.

however i have better memories than my prom night now :) i have the memories of coming out,of dating my girlfriend,of the new friends i made in gsa AND at the MBLGTACC conference....and maybe even some more friends when i start school at regency :)

im also selling stuff on ebay cause i need some money D: i havent quite figured it out yet and im right now too tired to focus but i'll eventually get it.i have LOTS of stuff :)

getting unstuck

im definately falling behind on things -__-' my bad....LOTS has been going on that i myself cant even keep track of this madness! ITS FLYING OFF THE HANDLE!!!!!i feel sick i feel stressed i feel moody i feel this i feel that....i feel i feel i feel....i feel lost.i feel like im losing my grip on life on reality on my hopes and dreams.i feel like a failure.i feel like a bum.i feel like im never good enough.but i also never want any of this to escape.i never want to tell someone.i never want to just go out and get help from someone.i never want to go do something and worry about the consequences later.i never want to tell someone how i feel because im tired of being shut down.im tired of feeling.im tired of being lost.im tired of being stuck and it NEVER seems like i can get unstuck.it seems like i can move a little bit but not go anywhere.i feel like a hamster on a wheel that just keeps running and running without stopping, unable to stop!i feel like im sinking in quick sand and its just pulling me in deeper and deeper.i cant ever fight this because i cant ever win.

my biggest fear?  coming out to my family as who i am.....who i feel i am....who i'd like to live my life as.....

im transgender.i came out in april as Nikkalous.i havent started treatment or anything but i'd like to.i'd like to have the support and the back up and the protection so i know if i come out as Nikkalous and something backfires you have my back.i have your support.i have your love and care and compassion.you dont have to understand and you dont have to even like it or agree....but even the slightest bit of support without pointing fingers to my girlfriend would be astounding as the first step in this long process.i cant keep turning my back to people and i cant keep turning away from my fears....somethings gotta change and something is gonna give....where i make it give or not.