starting over

i should be starting this blog on the day of new years(Jan 1st, 2011) but i feel as if this cannot wait(and i will have company that may restrict me from doing so). I've definately strived towards new change. With gradutating from high school and starting my first college semester and losing someone to whom i used to love dearly who's now a monster....that actually goes to two ex's. I want to start of with mentioning how much freedom i seem to have after being "released" from my last two abusive relationships and how i feel so much terror in the world now. I'm so afraid of starting new with someone im crushing on....i'm absolutely terrified with a new life in general yet it's something i most definately need.i have nothing to thank my ex's for other than ruining my life.i've never come so close to wanting to hate a person before in my LIFE!!!!personally i really do not care if they like me anymore or not.i was perfectly sane at least before they came along.i never hated myself as much as i do now....ive never wanted myself dead as much as i do now.its terrifying to know how much abuse takes a toll on someone.i believed for the longest time i deserved a person who treats me like scum because i was scum.it took me a few months of being single to realize that not only do i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for but that i also dont need a person to treat me like scum.i deserve a good person to love me....but now i simply am unsure if such a thing exists for me now :'( its true that only time will tell but love may also be the only thing to fix me.a special kind at least.that might sound lame and corny but its also true.i hope someone out there will one day take me in their arms with my scars and all and tell me how beautiful i am or something....a girl can only dream :/