resolution my aunt fannie

im sitting here writing for the deepest sake of me never being able to sleep over a school break.and i mean NEVER.well i sleep but a minimum of like 2-4 hours or something?anyway.its pretty early in the day and its only new years eve.one of my best friends is coming over since i am not dating anyone and she's there for me like 110% of the time.not only that but she's in a bit of a rough patch.her cat was euthinized because of her damn step father and mother.idk if its her step father for sure but i know that he was a jerk and sent it to the pound made up lies about the cat and they put him to sleep.i feel terrible for her that this had to happen to her of all people.well she's coming over at least and we are going to the mall :) i couldnt ask for a better friend thats for sure.i think blogging will come into greatest use on nights/mornings like this when my mind is in 20 different places at once and wont allow me to sleep.then again it doesnt bother me all that much because i normally have some pretty fun conversations over chat boxes with friends or entertaining texts or something.it seems like almost everyone i know has decided to make some sort of new year resolution.personally i haven't made one or have decided to make one.why?because something ALWAYS happens to the point to where i cant keep it.such as my resolution for 2009 was to not fall in love....what happened?i fell head over heels for an asshole who treated me like scum or less and didnt seem to think two cents of me OR my feelings unless he wanted something from me.i didnt have a new year resolution for 2010 because of him.im not sure i even want them.everyone's is always something like "get thin" or "wear a bikini" or "make friends" or even "do better in school".personally i panic in school but im pretty good with it.thin?HAHA as if.i wanna be slimmer yeah who doesnt?but being skinny thin?please....i've had my days of being thin.they got me nowhere.and wear a bikini?seriously?im never going to wear one....EVER!!!!for 2 reasons.1.i have scars on my stomach from past surgeries which are totally unattractive.2.my boobs are WAAAYYYYY too big to fit in the dental floss of a bikini top.seriously im not lying.im quite content with myself for the most part.some things i would like to change but im not gonna rush it thats for sure.hopefully the new year will bring forth a new change for me :) something positive. thats all i want is a positive year.

starting over

i should be starting this blog on the day of new years(Jan 1st, 2011) but i feel as if this cannot wait(and i will have company that may restrict me from doing so). I've definately strived towards new change. With gradutating from high school and starting my first college semester and losing someone to whom i used to love dearly who's now a monster....that actually goes to two ex's. I want to start of with mentioning how much freedom i seem to have after being "released" from my last two abusive relationships and how i feel so much terror in the world now. I'm so afraid of starting new with someone im crushing on....i'm absolutely terrified with a new life in general yet it's something i most definately need.i have nothing to thank my ex's for other than ruining my life.i've never come so close to wanting to hate a person before in my LIFE!!!!personally i really do not care if they like me anymore or not.i was perfectly sane at least before they came along.i never hated myself as much as i do now....ive never wanted myself dead as much as i do now.its terrifying to know how much abuse takes a toll on someone.i believed for the longest time i deserved a person who treats me like scum because i was scum.it took me a few months of being single to realize that not only do i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for but that i also dont need a person to treat me like scum.i deserve a good person to love me....but now i simply am unsure if such a thing exists for me now :'( its true that only time will tell but love may also be the only thing to fix me.a special kind at least.that might sound lame and corny but its also true.i hope someone out there will one day take me in their arms with my scars and all and tell me how beautiful i am or something....a girl can only dream :/