the sleep over!!!!

sooo its past midnight and i, of course, have things on my mind. my friends and i wanted a sleep over then things went all hay wire.but things are better but the sleep over is now at my place.we will be having one person who isnt staying the night because its a school night though.oh well the more the merrier.as of now though jordy is the only one with permission to be at my house.im sure my parents wont care at all if have a friend come hang and another friend stay the night.now the other person whos staying the night i've mentioned in a previous blog.the one really amazing gal?yeah well maybe my mind is becoming over stimulated about this but im really really worried that my dad specifically wont let her stay the night because she's trans.then again they know im going to that LGTB confrence this month and know imma room with her so i dont see why its a problem.ehhh like i said i could be over thinking things.i just worry that the people i know wont accept her and i really dont see why :( she's just amazing.so what if she is trans?she's as much of a girl as i am.it doesnt bother me at all to those who think it should.like really she's amazing and funny and a really really great person once you know her.as for the other kid who's just coming over to hang im sure its fine if he hangs.hopefully the roads are better :/ i hope things dont go down the drain today either.i would like just one good day.lately they've all been crappy.

oh oh oh i also think i have a date saturday.im not sure if its an official date or not though.im still excited none the less :) about today friday and saturday.im just trying to stay as optimistic as possible.im happy things got worked out between me and some people today and all the things that we fought about are gone.gahhh just excited and nervous.butterflies are in my stomach :) the good kind at least.i know i gotta clean my room and kitchen before people come over though.that doesnt bother me.lets hope daddy says yes :)

vagina monologues and the fear of nice people XD

its been soo long since i last wrote a blog!so much has been happening!soo next month in february my school's GSA club will be going on a confrence to Ann Arbor, michigan for a LGTB conference!im very excited to go!and we FINALLY got enough money for my friend to go!I ALMOST CRIED WHEN I FOUND OUT <3 !!!!!i would be really freaked out if she couldn't go.i'd still go but i'd rather have her come.i'm still kind of nervous about the trip though.its my first *LGTB conference.its nothing like it would be for band for sure.i'm scared i might not like it or something will happen or something!i dont like to think so pessimistically but its the only way im thinking lol.

ok soo last thursday my friend jordy and i went to wendy's for dinner or snack or whatever you call it.it was in the evening and we got it so we werent hungry during class.we met this lady and she comes up and asks us if we want to participate in something called the "vagina monologues". we had to ask her about 5 times before we were sure she was saying vagina. probably the most random and epic thing ever!we talked about the "vagina monologues" and signed up for audition times. today i had my audition :) i think i got a part.if i didnt i'm more than happy to help!they basically had me read lines to make sure i was ok talking about vagina's and saying the word cunt.lol it was one of those things i couldn't help but laugh at when it was over because it was just so random!and i talked with a friend today.an old friend who i always fought with.i want to try patching things up with him at least.it's the least i can try to do.oh oh oh....I HAVE BAND TOMORROW NIGHT <3 <3 <3 <3 i cant wait!!!!its that one class i can't wait to come around!even if it is 2 & 1/2 hours long or around there.its amazing and fun and i wouldn't trade it for the world <3.

ok so im totally changing the topic.soo last semester(fall semester 2010.which is also my first college semester) i met all these cool people in *GSA.There's this one girl that im a lot alike.we kinda hardly talk but she's soo cool.and then there's this other girl right?and like (this prolly will sound sooooooo incredibly lame) but she was one of those people that stood out to me a lot.yeah that sounds extremely corny hahaha....like then everyone we met in club added one another and she was one of the first people in club to actually talk  to me!she's talked to me awhile after that.she's pretty pretty amazing!like she can get me to blush cherry red and makes me smile lots and she makes me lose the game....thats important since she always "wins".she's like really really goofy and has add problems.and like the other night it occured to me that i talk to her a LOT and i get to know all these fabulous things about her....but i've been in my shell this entire time and i'm still afraid of her and she's sooo nice!HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF A NICE PERSON?!....im not sure but im afraid lol.im not as afraid of her as i was before but im still afraid.anyway as i was saying....i talk to her a LOT and i get to know a lot about her....then out of the blue it hits me that she prolly knows nothing about me!lol besides the other girl i mentioned she's the one i talk to about every day!and i've been talking to her since sometime last fall semester....sooo im totally worried about letting my guard down but yet i want to.its the least i can do since she's been nothing but nice and goofy and fabulous to me.i'm sure i can trust her.i see no reason not to.

so to a new beginning....i shall shed my walls :)
man i sound corny tonight lol

*GSA=Gay Straight Alliance
*LGTB=Lesbian Gay Transgender Bisexual

I LOST THE GAME....take that sir hehe

i would like to know who invented this thing called "the game".i've been playing it for countless years and this is the first time EVER i have lost this much!COME ON!!!!Yesterday i lost about 10 times!I mean REALLY?!?!And its more or less John's fault for introducing meg to it....now she's making me lose because she likes my reaction.Gahhhh!!!!WHY WAS THIS CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!Or a better question would be WHO WAS BORED ENOUGH TO CREATE THIS DUMB GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?And no im not angry.Just plotting my revenge.I think i might get back at them during my trip next month.I can't WAIT to go!A whole weekend for a LGTB convention.I'm greatly excited and nervous at the same time.Excited because its my first LGTB convention!Who WOULDN'T be excited for something like this?!However, I'm nervous that i might not like it.I'm also worried its not going to be what i expected it to be....but at the same time im not even sure what to expect....so i guess i can't be disappointed with something im not sure of what to expect?

ehh...ANYWAY....i dont think i've mentioned before that i play musical instruments....well i do..the bass,clarinet, and piano.I'm EXTREMELY excited that band re-starts tomorrow.i've been waiting so long for it.AND its my last class before the weekend too!that makes it even better!Then friday i get to go to karaoke again.thats another thing im looking forward to.

onto another note.i started my spring semester of college yesterday.so far i love it.besides my band teacher i have all female teachers and i like them.i have nothing bad to say about them yet.i hope it stays that way.i hardly get along with female teachers.other than band im most excited about my english class, nervous about french, and really tired during math.i missed my 5 am workout this morning so i wasnt prepared to climb all the steps i had to today.i made it though!and i didnt know how much of a maze it is in the top of the ERC building!i got so lost and i was there 20 mins early!i walked up there and took two seconds to look around before i went in my head "oh shit.im fucked." lol. i wasnt trying to be negative but it was creepy upstairs.its just weird.maybe because i havent been there before?oh well.i'll get used to it.off to do math though :)

LGTB rant and my overstimulated mind at work

its getting late for me but i have A LOT on my mind to think about at the moment which is kind of irritating me.first of all this was popping into my head on my way to church. Those people who discriminate or dislike the livings of people who are bisexual gay lesbian or transgender WHY do you do that?why must you discriminate them?they arent "things" because of what sexual orientation they are.you may not like it but you cant control the world either whether you want to or not.people cant help but be themselves or at least most of them cant. i bet you dont even REALIZE how scary the coming out process is for someone who's gay or bi or lesbian or trans is!!!!YOU DONT KNOW!!!!!and if you dont know then why judge?it urrrggghhhsss me to the core!sooo many people out there are afraid to come out of the closet BECAUSE the fear of rejection by people.people who discriminate LGTB people are no better than bullies picking on little kids!its F*CKING ridiculous!its SICK how closed minded some people are!!!!i mean if god "hates" everyone then WHY does he let temptation run the earth?WHY are there more than one religion?WHY are we not allowed to question the "higher power"?WHY is it a sin for two people of the same sex to sleep together?!WHERE is the prove that the previous question will send you to hell?WHY are LGTB people told that they are hated when people say god loves everyone?and if god loves everyone then does that mean he loves jews?hitler?people in jail?bullies?i mean really somethings that come out of peoples mouths are just one contradiction tripping over another!i mean really?god "hates" LGTB people but doesnt hate the people who kill?!makes no sense.my personal opinion is you should really keep an open mind.like really you should.there might be a LGTB friend or family member thats DYING to tell you but afraid of you're rejection.

ok so onto what im thinking about....im thinking about religion and my sexual orientation and family and my future and what not.my current sexual orientation is bi sexual(which is what started the rant above).i mean i have gotten crap for bein bi.it sucks and its not fun and its definately hard as hell to be proud of yourself when everyone looks at you in disgust.i have been thinking recently about past relationships and i've had more girlfriends than boyfriends and i seem to understand boys more when im just friends with them.when it comes to dating im kind of lost.they all seem to search for something specific and it always makes us clash.as far as girlfriends go i've had one bad relationship.the rest were pretty dang terriffic which makes me question if im truely bi.i mean i dont check out guys or girls.i dont look at someones butt or boobs as they walk past me.maybe its weird that i dont do that but its just me.i dont get attracted by someones looks but by their personality.some people if im attracted by looks(which is rare on my behalf) i try and read them a little by how they act and dress.i've been more attracted to girls though than guys.i cant figure out if im truely attracted to men or if its just something i do for show....which sounds horrible....but its really not for show.it just feels like it for me....its really confusing....im confused!going on to religion.my family is christian but maybe, if you can tell by my rant, im not to sure im christian myself.im not sure what religion i am.im not sure how to figure it out or IF i even want to.im changing subject to bring up something.friday i went to karaoke with my "sisters".i put the quotes because they arent my blood sisters but i grew up with them and they feel like my sisters. it was brittany's birthday wed so they were having a party for her then.it was great to catch up with my friend nick too.i missed him.i missed singing too. i enjoyed it a lot. that night i took pictures and i mean lots of pictures of myself.it was the first time in a long time i actually felt "beautiful".maybe it was just a singing high but i did.i felt like my old self again.with my makeup and my hair.i'm thinking im actually back or going back to that place again.the good place where i was happy with things.i hope so.i hope it lets me start over again as well.